I have stated on here that I have three kids. Right now I am feeling like the story of the three bears. One child does not speak to me at all. The second child is ok with the visitation arrangement and does not want to cause any issues. The last child is having some issues with home and school and wants to move in with me.
Enter the fact the the other parent has full physical custody. That parent believes they are the best because they do not have a mental illness which causes symptoms that have prohibited them from working. That parent would remove the kids from me in a minute. That parent grudgingly brings the kids that do want to come to visit.
Yes, I have PTSD and depression. I lose time and I have trouble leaving the house. I have nightmares that keep me up and cause me to be tired during the day. Apparently, that means that I cannot be a parent.
The last child wants to live here. That child is having some issues and would like to try going to school and living here. At least the child is not into high school yet and the grades will not count toward college. I am worried. Financially, I do not have the funds for the court case. It would be complicated and ugly. I have a feeling both sides would be calling experts. What to do? Emotionally, I want the third child to have a chance. Intellectually, I know that I cannot afford the fight. I am not sure that I could handle it emotionally either.
So here I am. I feel guilty that I cannot do what someone with more income would be able to do. I feel guilty for not working, yet my therapist and I are just trying to get me to leave the house. I feel guilty that there is a situation that will negatively affect this child in the future. I feel like I am watching a train wreck. I know what emotional abuse looks and sounds like. Not only from my own experience, but also from the child maltreatment classes that I took. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest types of abuse to prove. There are no exams and even therapists tends to minimize situations.
Right now I am scared. If this child is anything like me I am scared how far they will go to prove how bad they are feeling. I am scared that the custodial parent will stop the child from seeing me because they feel that I somehow caused this to happen. My genes are defective. Right now all I can do is hope that I get the kids at my next visitation.
The good new is that there has been no flying fur or an injured kitty knock on wood. Depending upon how generous our resident cat feels, the hissing May only happen at the start or end of the visit. We are keeping the kitten’s safe room set up for a while. Right now I would categorize both of them as shy.
They are going to get a shock tomorrow when the kids come for the weekend. The kitten has not met them. I am interested to see how she does. She does not seem to like men and my daughter can act a bit rough. We should be able to keep the antics to a minimum.
I am lucky to have my son on his actual birthday this year. We are going to take him out to dinner and have s gift that should provide entertainment for the rest of the weekend. I am not upset that it an early weekend. Thanksgiving is my holiday this year. That normally means plenty of turkey and treats. We will also be putting up more than one tree this year. There is snow on the ground and it should be fun.
The kitten is scheduled for shots and bloodwork tomorrow. I think that will start her official hatred of the vet. We let her explore the house this morning. She was running around today and going up and down the stairs just because she could. She loves string and toys that she can manipulate.
I swear she has gotten so much bigger in just a week. She has started giving herself a bath multiple times a day and is using the litter box. She likes water unlike our resident kitty.
Hopefully, they will be able to meet tomorrow. Right now, they know each other’s scents and look for the other one. Ok, the kitten looks for our older cat more often.
I am actually able to feed her and take care of her. I find myself only taking a short nap each day. I still have to call about the TMS. I am worried about how many days they will want me to come. I think insurance companies and doctors should factor in gas costs. Sometimes even the closest place is a long drive.
This weekend is my middle child’s birthday. I cannot believe that I have three teenagers at this point. At least two out of three still talk to me. I am hoping that when the oldest one gets to be an adult that he will change his mind and at least talk to me sometimes. That will be better than it is now. It is unusual that I have the kids on their actual birthday. This should be a good weekend.
Therapy is tomorrow. I feel like I cannot get all I want to out each session. At least I am talking now and we are working on how the trauma is affecting my life today. Especially, how I am scared to leave the house and how I still go to anger as my first reaction. We are working on seeing why that is and trying to find ways to lessen those issues.
Hope everyone who is reading this is having a decent week and making sure to do some self care each day. Even 5 minutes makes a difference. I think I will write about how meditation is helping me become more grounded at night tomorrow.
We have had our kitten for a week now. She likes to sleep on a chest, play with her tunnel and ball toys, and run through her tunnel. She has had me laughing at her antics. I am looking forward to Wednesday when I can most likely introduce her to our resident cat. I am nervous about how they will get along.
Tomorrow, I also get to call the TMS provider and try to make an appointment. I am nervous about that, yet if it will help me to feel better, I at least need to try.
I also have therapy tomorrow. We need to begin to discuss the hostility I feel towards people that I go to school with or work with. I am not sure how that is going to go or if those parts even want to talk.
Hope everyone has a good night.
My husband and I went to out to a farmers market this morning. I had been there before and should have been fine. Instead my stomach began to hurt and I felt like I was going to throw up.
This feeling of tightness and being overwhelmed happens every time that I go to leave the house. It is like my body just refuses to leave. I know rationally that I am safe, yet I have the most irrational thoughts about leaving the house.
Things are ok with the kitten. We let her explore the house again today and she had an accident on the sofa. Now I am worried that she will no longer use her litter box or that she does not like the litter since it is different to what she is used too.
Monday, I need to call the TMS provider. I am worried that they will think that I am a loss cause or I might not be able to keep up with the treatment schedule that is ordered. I would like to stop feeling like crap though, so I at least need to try.
The kitten is doing well. She is eating and drinking. She loves to play and give kisses. Most of all she is getting more comfortable with the house and loves exploring.
For those of you out there who may have teenagers, I have a question. Do your teens remember your birthday or get you cards for important Holidays? My teens forgot my birthday again this year. I think I may be extra sensitive because of growing up in a house where your birthday could be taken away.
The TMS is progressing. My doctor has found a place that accepts insurance. Ironically, I need to see their psychiatrist to determine the number of sessions and long each should be. When are they going to invent a therapy that takes away all of the horrible memories. That is something that I could get on board with. I will have to call the treatment center on Monday.
I am enjoying having the two cats. Their personalities are so different. They cannot begin to meet until later this week when the kitten gets her shots. I am a little worried how it will go. Hoping for the best.
Surprisingly, the kitten let me sleep in late today. She loves to curl up with my husband and I and loves anyone who pets her. She still is having separation anxiety and will cry when anyone leaves the room.
My psychiatrist is looking for TMI center for me close to home. Hopefully, something will be available. The depression medication does not seem to be working. I am told that this is not unusual.
The doctor feels that due to the move all of the past crap has more room to come up. Sometimes I really hate having to deal with the past so much and it’s impact on my life. I hate that I cannot be the same as other women my age. Maybe, I need to figure out what my normal is and learn to accept the reality of that.
Today has been much better with the new baby. She has been eating and drinking. We were told that all of her tests have come back negative. She is playing and seems to have more energy.
Tomorrow, I see my therapist. It is hard in therapy right now. I am trying to process what happened a piece at a time. The only problem is that the puzzle is not whole. Memories are like that or so I am told. I just do not want to say something unless I am sure of it happening. More than one doctor has told me that is not going to happen.
Today has been an adventure! On the way home the kitten was panting. The vet has now confirmed that it was from stress. She did not know us and it was a long car ride.
This morning I wanted to take her and find out what was wrong. I still have not been able to start the introduction process with my existing cat until the vet clears her. I went to get her and put her in her cage and she had vanished. She was nowhere to be seen in the room we had put her in.
Fast forward two hours and I hear meowing coming from the bathroom vanity. She had somehow crawled under there and was now stuck. Pond story short, we need a new vanity and floor to get her out.
We did get to the vet today and he gave her some medicine. She goes back next week. Day 2 has been quite an adventure. My therapist is probably happy that I left the house. Maybe she will get me out more.
My therapist is concerned that I am not leaving the house. He has suggested TMS, yet I have not found any place near me that does it and I would have to a couple times a week.
He suggested that I get a dog that I would need to take out for walks. My husband really does not like dogs, so we found a cat breed that will go outside and explore. We are picking her up tomorrow.
I am worried that she is not going to like me and that our older cat will not take to her. We are just going to need to give our older cat time.
The move has been great. Our street is quiet and the people are so friendly. Even in the stores, the employees are helpful. My husband has been raking leaves and doing work around the house. It is nice not to hear sirens and people yelling all evening.
I just wished that a change in location would have meant that my fears of going outside would have gone away, yet that fear runs pretty deep.
So, tomorrow is the big day!! I will try to post a picture of her. Now she will be part of my recovery along with our other cat.