When did the days just seem to melt from one to the next? The only concrete times that I have are when the cats get fed. At other times, I am not sure of what time or day it is. I just seem to be lost. Lost in nightmares of the past that cause me to wake up ungrounded. Yes, I moved away from the place where I was abused, yet the memories are with me.
I think that I hear my abusers voice and want to find a place to hide or to prepare for the inevitable. I begin to sweat and all i want to do is run. Then I begin to realize that I am in a different house at a different point in time. I am an adult that in many ways still feels the terror of a child.
Some days I can be on auto pilot. Feed the cats, fold laundry, and maybe vacuum. Other days I can barely make it off the chair and am in and out of reality. Time just seems to pass without any real meaning. The clock is only a number. Inside I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Maybe somewhere in those thoughts and dreams there will be the answers to the questions that I am to scared to face. There is to much shame. To much self blame and sympathy for those who hurt me.
How can I feel bad for them, yet berate myself for not telling someone or making it known? Why did I continue to live in that home long after I was 18? Why did I believe them when they said that they were the only ones who would ever live or care about me? Why did I believe the tales that they spun about people so that I would lose them from my life as well?
One fact is for certain. I cannot go back in time, I cannot bring people back that I wished I would have spent more time with. I cannot go back and try to leave the nightmare that was wrapped up on the outside as a pretty package.
It is easier to just be and not think. Thinking brings up to much and the I feel overwhelmed and like I am coming apart at the seems.