Life is a Whirlwind

It has been so long since I have written and my life has changed so much. First, my husband and I separated. The symptoms that my Complex PTSD were just to much. I was always anxious. I constantly had to know where he was and at times i did not trust him even though he had not done anything to warrant than feeling. We wound up sleeping in different rooms and growing apart more and more each day.

Then there was my mental health. I was going days without bathing and binge eating. I was gaining weight and I did not care. I shut myself off from the world including not leaving the house except to go to the doctors.

Finally, in September of last year, I was given the opportunity to go to Sierra Tucson. There is a sign when driving up to the gate that says you are a miracle. After 30 days there I realized that the treatment there was actually working and that I was more conscious of my behaviors than I had been in a long time. This treatment center saved my life. I will write about my experience as well as about my current life over the next few weeks. I am happy to be back.


COVID: My Reality

COVID-19 hit the main news media in March of 2020. I had just lost my dad and read a small hidden story about a virus in Wuhan. A couple days later the same virus had been detected by a passenger who had arrived on the east coast from an international flight. At first the CDC would not declare a pandemic. A week later that would change.

Here we are. December 2021 now reading about the increase in cases. Who is being blamed? The population for going out and having holiday gatherings. Yes, people are hospitalized. However, how many new cases of the flu or pneumonia happen each year during the holidays?

COVID is a health issue. There is a choice to get a vaccine just like the flu or pneumonia. Before COVID, people got together over the holidays at the risk of getting sick with flu or pneumonia. Because I am susceptible to pneumonia and would get it at least twice a year, I tended to stay away from crowds. My social anxiety also did not help.

Humans are social beings. Most want to be around friends and family. They want to experience life. One fact that I have experienced with COVID is that a person has been positive in the group that I have been in, yet not one other person became sick.

Inevitably, this virus is a health concern. People know the research on how it is transmitted. Those who choose to gather are not asking to get the virus, instead they are being the social individuals that makes humanity what it is. Have cases increased? Yes, they do every year at this time with every virus. Maybe instead of just tracking the virus through social events, the research needs to focus on why some people are getting the virus when exposed while others test negative. Are some genetic predispositions putting people at an increased risk of testing positive.?

COVID seems to be here to stay. Our lives have changed. What has not changed is our capacity for social interaction, empathy, and to have life experiences.

First Christmas Alone

I am spending Christmas by myself for the first time. Until this year I have spent Christmas with my parents, husband,and kids. This year I have moved across the country. I do not have any friends or family here. I do have Brody who is my emotional support animal. We have gone through walks around the apartment complex. There seem to be a lot of people with dogs here.

I thought that torment would be horrible, yet I am surprisingly relaxed. To me this just means that time is progressing to a visit from my son next summer. Maybe I was more alone on Christmas’s past then I could have imagined.

Tasks Accomplished

After not leaving the house for 15 years I went out and did laundry and grocery shopping today. I cannot believe how many products that I have been unaware of and how much selection is at the store!! Going to a laundromat is a new experience, yet I enjoyed being able to read while getting my clothes finished. Maybe everything g really is about perspective. Something I need to think about and process!

A Reduction in Anxiety

My car arrived today. It left the east coast on Thursday and arrived this morning. With money being so much of a stressor lately, the car being here relieves some of the anxiety. Now, I can spend what I would have on one way with an Uber on enough gas to get at least 300 miles.

Now, I have a way to get to the store and to the laundromat. I am fortunate that I had someone close to me willing to send it. Now I can relax a little and make it to my first therapy appointment here on Thursday.

Will Things Get Better???

Until this September I was lucky. I had people who at least seemed to live and support me. I had not experienced hunger, cold, or fear of not having a roof over my head. Over the past two weeks I have experienced all of this.

I have learned the importance of support. Right now, my ex husband is doing the best that he can. He has his own bills, worries, and challenges. When I almost was out on the street, he made sure that I had a roof over my head. What I have not told him is how I am often so hungry right now because I cannot afford food. I do not want him to feel that he needs to assist to assist me anymore that he already does.

I began talking to my mom again before things went rapidly downhill and my apartment that I thought I was moving into refused me after I had an anxiety attack. She made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and once again brought up every mistake I have made since I was in my early teens. My other family does not communicate with me either.

For now, I am in a hotel until Friday morning. I have never been so unsure of my future. I have been given a perspective that is changing the way that I think and see life. If I ever get my life together and have extra space, I will search for someone who needs some empathy. Even though I have a mental illness I do not qualify for most group homes or sober living. The later because I am not addicted to a substance and the former because even though I have a mental illness, I am functioning at to high a level. I know that there has to be some one else out there going through the same thing.

I am crossing my fingers that I will find a place. I am discouraged. The stress is causing my symptoms to increase. My IBS and anxiety are increasing by the day. As I sit here typing this on my phone, my stomach is growling and I am worried about a roof over my head. In some ways I am glad that I am beginning to understand and experience what so many other people that I have met have gone through.


Last week I was supposed to move into an apartment. The credit and background check had been finished and the apartment had been approved for over a month. After calling twice that day about appointment times, I went to the apartment at 4pm. I took an Uber since me car was late shipping across the country. When I arrived, I went to the building marked with the signs for the office. All of my things were unloaded and I went to go into the office. The office was closed. I called and found out that the main office was being renovated and I had to go to a different t section of the building. The pa ice began at that point. I had my emotional support animal, 2 suitcases, and seven other bags. There was no way I was making it across the complex. Luckily, a kind couple who were residents of the complex offered to assist me. They packed up all of the bags and luggage and drove me across the complex to the office. It would up being 0.3 miles.

Once in the office, I was asked for a number for the electricity. I had no clue what they were talking about. By this time my anxiety and panic had reached the point where my mind was shutting down. I was shaking and sweat was dripping down me. I asked the staff to call the electric company. That I could not handle doing this. I have not left the house in 14 years and could not handle anything else at 4 in the afternoon. She insisted that it was my call to make. She did give me the number and I was put on hold. By this time the fear was overwhelming and I was so scared that if I did not get the number that I would not have a roof over my head. I am 2200 miles from what I know and I may have no where to live was just running though mind.

By this point the fight, flight, or freeze response took over. I yelled that I could not handle anymore and went outside to try and get my thoughts together. I called the electric company again and finally realized where I had written down the number that they had given me. I went back in and gave the number.

There was a staff member in the back and I heard $1000 dollars and dog in reference to my emotional support animal. That was the last straw and I began to yell. I was sitting down the entire time. The complex wanted the letter, yet the letter had my diagnoses on it and I was terrified that at this point they would reject me. I said that I was uncomfortable giving them a page with my diagnoses on it because I was worried they would use it against me. Finally, they let me talk to my husband. I never cry and I began to cry because this was all to much.

I had sent them a photo of my emotional support animal and I mistakenly believed that they would understand the letter. They told me that it was my fault. That on November 1st they had called and I told them that I no longer had the pet. I was in treatment at that time and my cat was to sick to travel. The letter was dated November 25th for my current emotional support animal. I did not lie like I was accused of.

After getting off the phone with my husband I sent the complex the letter after they had to give me a card with their email address on it. The apartment manager then came over and handed me the copy of my letter telling me that they were no longer going to rent me the apartment because I was threatening her staff.

I could not believe this. The agent working with me was ready for me to sign the form and I was trying to say that the only way that I would sign was if they would accept the letter. The manager gave me the form for the apartment for my psychiatrist which I did not have an appointment with until January to fill out. Normally a doctor want to meet with you a couple of times before giving a letter and I had a letter. She told me to take an Uber. An Uber to where? I had checked out of the hotel that I had spent a week in. I have no one in the area because I am new here and everyone is 2200 miles away. I sat on the curb for an hour trying to determine what I was going to do. Finally I called an Uber and went to the first hotel near the complex.

The next day they called and complained that packages had arrived for me at the complex. I was supposed to be in my apartment. I have nothing. I needed basic supplies. I do not have a car and am on a fixed income. Currently I am back in a hotel. I have no clue what is going to happen or where I am going to live. I admit I yelled, yet the only time I ever got up it was to go outside. In fact I had my emotional support animal on my lap I an attempt to calm down and try to breath. Now I am scared that I will be homeless because I cannot afford to keep living in a hotel.

Treatment Has Given Me Hope

85 Days This Time

What an amazing, crazy, and difficult 3 months of constant work. I was able to get in touch with fear and sadness for the first time since beginning this journey 17 years ago. I was able to proceed my attachment style and work on how to establish healthy new relationships. My boundaries are more solidified and I am now the owner of my life.

I have started to work on my codependency issues as well as attempting to find hobbies that I like and that bring me happiness. 3 months ago all I did was find the negative in every situation. Today, I look for the positive. For how I can help myself. This week I discharge from my program. I cannot wait to share my adventure with all of you and get back on here each day to see all of your stories.

An Emotional Support Animal

In another month I am leaving my current IOP program and am moving across the country. While I am looking forward to a larger trauma community and a support system, I am also scared.

I need to leave my fur baby back at home due to health issues with my girl. The neighborhood where I am moving does have issues with break ins and vandalism. As much as I love cats, I have decided that it would be best that I return to a dog. I plan on rescuing a young or adult dog that I connect too.

The apartment policy for a cat or dog is a $500 refundable deposit along with a $200 one time fee. If you have been following my blog, I am on social security. That does not leave me with that kind of money.

Yesterday, I created a Go Fund Me. I am hoping for any amount of donation in order to reach $1000. Any amount over $700 will go to the first vet visit along with flea and tick prevention. The dog will also needheart worm medication .

This will help my PTSD by not only having a companion but also be able to alert me to any trouble or person that may be outside of my apartment. Nights are hard for me and I would appreciate the companionship as well. Please consider donating a small amount of money if at all possible. I know that times are tough, yet $5 will add up. Thank you in advance.

Losing My Emotional Support Animal

Rags has been with me for the past three years. Before arriving at Sierra Tucson, she was my constant companion. At night she would lay on my chest and purr. She loved to listen to me read and sat near me wherever I went in the house.

After 30 days at Sierra Tucson, it was clear that going back home could be a big risk for my recovery. That meant leaving my baby. She has gastrointestinal issues that result in her not being able to keep food down and having blood in her stool. I cannot risk taking her away from her two sisters and bringing her on either a 7 hour plane ride or a 36 hour drive.

This is devastating to me. She is the reason that I wake up everyday. Taking care of her is amazing therapy. Now, I am at a loss. Someone close to me mentioned another pet after I move to a permanent location in December. They would need to be affectionate, enjoy car rides, like treats, and a pet that I could spoil rotten.

The cost of having a pet in the apartment is affordable, the deposit for them is my issue. If anyone could comment or message me with ant tips or ways to be able to reduce the cost or ways to fundraise, I would greatly appreciate the tips.