As, I am sure that anyone who has followed my posts can tell, I seem to change my theme daily. I am new to all of this and am trying to find a theme that fits my personality as well as what I am trying to convey.
I was up all night again last night. The hyper vigilance sucks. I seem to hear every bark, car door, little creak of the house. Really, it is not all that fun. Also I am really nervous about my interview tomorrow. What if I am not sick enough for a service dog?
I have met so may people who know someone with fibromyalgia. All of the people they know seem to be doing well, have jobs, and function. What is wrong with me? I am in constant pain. I need a cane to keep me balanced, I have a hard time remembering anything(apparently the wonderful fibro fog), and it hurts to do the simplest of chores. I wish I could be like those people that just seem to go on.
I guess it is like my PTSD. My therapist always explains that when a trauma happens to someone, they deal with it in their own way. Some people deal with the event right away and can get on with their lives. Others melt down, get help and get better. Then there are those who seem fine. They go back to their lives and continue with each day until one day everything hits them at once and their lives are not the same. They have nightmares, flashbacks, and are triggered by things in their environment that are out of their control.
Sometimes I wish that I could have just moved on from the abuse. I know that other kids did. Their abuse became something that is in the past, not something that follows them around like a shadow each day. They do not ruminate over what happened , they do not have nightmares or flashbacks, they are not afraid to leave the house by themselves. Most importantly, they have not walled themselves off from the outside world. But, that is not the case for me. I am working hard to get better, yet for me this has become that I move two steps forwards and three back, never seeming to catch up with where I would like to be. Always one step behind.