Growing up I was pushed. The first memory that I have is of getting out of the bath and my mom having a magnetic board ready with exercises while the chalkboard on the back had even more.
A’s were all that my parents wanted me to get. B’s were ok and a C was absolutely not acceptable in our home. I would be punished. Thankfully, I was given the gift of being able to read at an early age. That allowed me to get the grades that my parents wanted me to get.
All I wanted to do was dance. Dance was a way to release all of the hurt that had been building up over the week. I know that I was not the best dancer by far. I think I had two left feet, but I loved it. The studio was like a second home to me and it was safe.
Fast forward to today. I still push myself. I feel like a failure because I cannot physically do what I used to so easily do before my diagnosis. So what do I decide to do. Apply for jobs. Here my doctor has a goal of being able to walk for 20 minute without pain by the summer and I am out applying for jobs.
I had an interview yesterday. Three hours of standing meant hours of pain later. I could barely walk last night, I woke up screaming in pain during the night, and as I sit here by body feels horrible. Why do I do this to myself. Because I cannot stop pushing. I think if I just do it that my body will follow along. WRONG!! My body has put up a fight ever since yesterday afternoon.
The good news is that I definitely know that I cannot handle any kind of standing for any length of time. My mind is still trying to grasp the fact that I cannot do as much as I once did. Well, it is at least working on it.
I need to stop pushing so hard and learn to relax. If only it were that easy. If only I did not feel like a failure everyday.
On top of everything, I was really hoping that the money from the job would help to pay off some of the mounting medical bills and help to pay for the service dog that I am getting. I guess I am going to have to figure out another way!! I am just not sure what!