I had therapy today. I like my therapist. He has helped me to get through some of the most difficult times in my life and has been there through some of the greatest times. I usually go into therapy with something to talk about, present or past. Today I had absolutely no clue where to even begin.

In some ways, The PTSD and DID do not seem so bad compared to the Fibromyalgia. With a mental illness, I could talk about what happened to me and I could try to go back to school to pursue my dreams. My Fibromyalgia diagnosis has succeeded in squashing those dreams. The mental illness, makes the physical seem harder. I wonder sometimes if I could take some of the medications if I could feel well enough to go back to school.

That is a lot of ifs. The known in all of this is that I am in pain whenever I do too much or push myself beyond what my body is ready for. So the question of the day seems what to do now? Where to go from here? One topic that I know that I am passionate about is mental health. Maybe it would not be such a bad idea to check out some psychology programs. At least it would get me out of the house. My therapist mentioned to me today that I had talked about joining a book club. Another possibility.

There are just so many loose ends right now. I guess that I am still in denial. I still hope that one day the pain will magically go away and I can go back to school. If I go back to school it will not be for nursing. Not that I do not want to.

So, it looks as if right now, I will start physical therapy or torture as I call it next week. I have a presentation about my mental illness and I see my kids this weekend. After that, I am not sure what I am going to do or where life is going to take me from here. I know that I need to talk about the traumas from my past. I wish that I could put them all into a nice little package and hand them over to my therapist. That is not going to work.

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