Today was my first physical therapy appointment. I was there for over 2 hours!! I’m tired of the questions that every doctor asks. Why ask me questions that I have already answered on all of the paperwork before I arrived. I do not want to talk about my abuse or what else caused my PTSD. How does that even relate to PT?
Then, I had to get dressed in a gown and shorts. Talk about uncomfortable. I like to be covered up and I do not like my body. A gown and shorts just amped up my anxiety. Note to self: take PRN prior to next appointment.
The doctor did give me a few exercises to do before I got out of bed. He also helped me learn how to get in and out of bed without having to put pressure on my back. I realize somewhere in my head that all of this will help. It will help with the pain and with having to live life with fibromyalgia everyday.
Part of me wants to stomp my feet and tell fibro and pain to get away. I am tired of what they have done to my life. Right now, if I did not have Fibro and pain, I would most likely be a nurse working with patients, helping them feel better, and making a difference. My husband and I could still take walks by the water at night. I could still run around and play with my kids.
PTSD and the other mental illnesses that I have are hard. They changed my life. I lost a house, my kids, and friends because of them. I felt like I was just getting my life back when I was diagnosed with fibro. I had gotten remarried, I was enjoying spending the time that I had with my kids, I had a job as a nursing student, and I was getting ready to graduate school and become an RN. Not that there were not challenging days.
Now, my days are filled with pain. I wonder where I am going from here. I look at want ads and wonder if I am ever going to be able to do anything with my life. The most upsetting part of the day was when the doctor made sure that I was on disability. He said if I was not, he knew of people who could help. I am happy to have such a nice doctor, I guess I just want my life back.
So what now? I have thought about going back to school to become a child psychologist. That would be a lot of work, yet mental health is something that I am passionate about. I have also thought about starting a foundation. I am sure that it would be a great deal of work. I at least have time. That is something that I have plenty of now that I have fibro. I would also like to advocate for those with mental illness. I want to be able to make sure that patients are getting the treatment they need, in facilities that are staffed and designed to provide an environment that encourages healing.
I guess I do have some hopes, right now it is hard to see them when other aspects of my life feel as if they are falling apart.