Today, I read my therapist my journal assignment on how my life would be different if I was “good enough”. I was really proud of myself for doing the assignment, even though it was hard to get through.
Part II came today. Apparently, I wrote about how if I were good enough it would have changed my mom and dad. One aspect of myself that I have learned is that one cannot change unless they really want to and it takes a lot of work.
By the time that my therapist and I were finished today, we had compared my parents to dominoes. Sure my presence caused some to fall over, however; there were many that were knocked over before I ever came into the picture. Those dominoes were never acknowledged and if they were, they were not dealt with.
Maybe I could have never been “good enough” for my parents. I could not replace two kids that they lost or be the perfect child that they wanted. Just like everyone, I was born with flaws.
I guess when I think about my own children, I get it. Before a child is born, there are all of these thoughts about what he/she is going to be like. As a parent, my kids are sometimes who I thought that they would be and at other times they shock me. To me that is great. That is what makes life such an adventure!!
For my parents, it is what they hated. I was not who or what they had envisioned. Good enough was probably not on the radar.
The picture I chose reminded me of a new planet. Right now, I see a lot of red. Some of what is coming up is causing me to get in touch with feelings of anger. There is a speck of light on the horizon. My hope is that light grows and that I can continue to progress through my memories, however painful.