Was this the Plan?

My therapist has me looking into the reasons why I deserve to be in pain. Not necessarily physical or emotional pain, just pain!

I told him my view on the subject today and I am not sure he agreed with me. Some children are born with gifts (music, math, dance, acting, communicating). Some children are just great kids and get through life with all of its up and downs. The third category is the question. If there is such a thing as good and evil, then what if those gifted happened to be “good”. Not in the literal sense, more of the they were lucky or got dealt a good hand sense.

Take my life. Neither of my parents had a great childhood. How were they suppose to raise a child without issues when they had issues. Pain is a part of me for better or worse. I do not think that I bring it on, however; my body seems hard-wired. The PTSD, DID, fibro, IBS. There are those who experience the same things and go onto lead productive lives. Not me. Life just does not work like that.

I hear, see, smell events years after they have been over. I remember details that most people cannot. Why? I really do not like it. Why am I not able to move on like everyone else?

I really think that the physical illness has set me back. I know that it is bringing up memories that I wish that I could ignore. That is not happening.

So was the plan all along, from conception to now for me to be in pain? To live a life which is filled with great people, however, for me to go through my own brand of hell. Is the plan for me to tell my story like I have been doing. If so that is only because of the pain that I have gone through.

I have time to figure it all out! Just some thoughts.

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One thought on “Was this the Plan?

  1. This is something that I’ve been trying to work out. I haven’t worked it out yet. I think I find the possibilities too hard but I’ll tell you what my therapist suggested a few weeks ago. He suggested that somehow my parents ‘chose’ that I should be the one in the family to suffer. That’s how it’s been too. Everyone else has got through life pretty well unscathed. I don’t know whether I agree. Perhaps I won’t let myself agree but I am just mentioning it because I guess it’s yet another way of looking at it. Meanwhile I hope you can find some peace. Hugs Cate xox

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