Candy, Cake, and Trouble

**Trigger Warning**
Today, I made a call to my husband that I wish that I did not have to make. I had to let him know that my Eating Disorder was out of control again.

He was concerned, and even more than that, he wanted to know how I was able to eat with him not knowing about what I was putting in my mouth. I can understand, he is the one who goes to the grocery store, while I normally stay in the house.

My problem is bingeing. I binge eat, do not eat at all, or eat “normally”. This time of year is stressful to begin with. When I am stressed/anxious, I tend to eat. Why I cannot control my intake is beyond me.

To be frank, I did not even realize that I was bingeing again until last night. I had already eaten for the day and it was late. If I eat certain foods, I get sick. I ate a piece of cake the size of which could have fed three people and banana pudding which could have fed two. The first sign that something was wrong was the stomach ache that I got after I consumed what had to be 1200 calories in less than 20 minutes.

That had me thinking about the past couple of weeks. With Easter coming, every store has more candy than normal. I have been going through a normal size bag of peanut butter cups every two days. Instead of one donut the other day, I bought and ate 6. Even worse is that I do all of this in secret and throw away any evidence before I get home.

I am embarrassed. Luckily, stores will be going back to normal in another week. That still does not mean that I do not have to work on the reasons that I binge.

Parts have let me know what they are: abuse, suicides, deaths, abandonment, and loss have all occurred at this time of year. With PTSD, there are many days that are hard. Unfortunately, all of these seem to fall around the same time.

Hopefully, some of you can relate to feeling like the world is out of control. I do not want to do this. Like I said I get sick, yet I do not know how to stop. Even as I am writing this I am thinking of the food in the kitchen and what I can eat. Not Good!!

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