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Pain, Depression, or Something Else

My life is spiraling on a path that I feel like I cannot control any longer. I have been put into a corner, into a spot that society and medicine believe me to be in.

The pain is real. The images do not lie, in fact they tell a story. A story of a former fracture of a vertebrae, arthritis, knees that do not work properly, and other images that just cannot be explained even with all of our modern-day technology.

The images that I have of myself are changing. I am lost, alone, and scared. My body used to be able to do so much. Take a walk, swim, dance, play. Now it runs my life with pain. Pain that keeps me from leaving the house some days and is just like a friend on other days, always with me.

So why go on? I need to. I need to see where this is going to take me and where life is going to lead. Each day that passes, I believe something good will come of all of this, yet sometimes it is hard to keep going.

I have my service dog to look forward to. Funny, I am already making plans. Maybe the zoo or the aquarium. Somewhere that I love and will finally have the freedom to go again. Maybe even the waterfront park where I love to go and relax. Now I have to stay in my car. He will provide me with the balance that I need to leave the car and maybe even have lunch.

I need to imagine this future life or I will be lost in the abyss that is my life at this moment. The constant poking and prodding of doctor’s that leads to nowhere.

So the image. It is pain, hopelessness, or it is trying to figure out where to turn and what to do!