So Nice To Have Support

So Nice To Have Support

Thank you to all of those who are following my blog. I appreciate the support more than I can say.

I started to blog because I wanted to be able to write about my life and see if anyone out there was going through the same things.

This blog has taught me so much. First, there are people facing the same struggles as I am. Second, as a blogging community, we have a chance to celebrate goals and accomplishments even with we are halfway around the world from one another. Third, even when I am feeling like I do not have any support, I can look on here and prove myself wrong. Fourth, it is ok to be myself and to open up.

As of today, the medication is working and I am keeping track of all of my symptoms in order to present the specialist next month with a complete picture.

Thanks for following my blog and thank all of you for allowing me to read and be inspired by yours!!

We Are Not All the Same

We Are Not All the Same

**May Trigger**

The shells in the picture are representative of people. People who have not experienced illness, those with illnesses, and those who do not know.
I have Complex PTSD, depression, Fibromyalgia, arthritis. I am not my illnesses.

Yesterday, I experienced yet another weird ailment that I needed to go to the doctor for. The nurse who called me back was not very friendly. As I was returning from using the restroom, I overheard her saying to the doctor that the next patient has anxiety and PTSD. “I bet you just want this to be over.”

Hold on, I am a person like anyone else and deserve the same medical treatment as anyone else. Yes, I have PTSD, yet this doctor does not know me or my symptoms. I have met many people with PTSD along my journey, they are all unique and deserve to be treated that way.

Yesterday, was not about my mental health. I actually had a physical symptom going on with me. I was insulted and then I realized that so many doctors are ignorant. People have become a diagnosis to them. Whether it is mental or physical, they expect everyone to present the same.

As patients, we are all unique. Our diagnosis may be the same, yet we present differently. Just look at the bloggers on here. None of us write the same, yet we are all blogging.

It is just so frustrating that the doctor does not look at the entire picture. He/She looks at fragments of the picture. One day it is the back pain, another a knee, another my loss of balance. In the meantime, I am a whole person and all of this is related.

The only thing that I can do is to fight for myself and fight to be listened to. When I feel that a doctor is ignoring me or not understanding, I am the only one who can make them understand me. I am more than the name of a diagnosis.

Each shell, as each person is unique. Two may seem alike, yet there are always slight differences. It is in those difference that we are each are own person.

Looking UP

Looking UP

Sometimes I feel as if I am just looking up and cannot get anywhere even though I want to. I see everyone around me having successes and moving forward, while I feel that I am stuck in one place.

While I feel that I making improvements in therapy, they are baby steps. Sometimes taking a month to get through one small part of a memory. At least I am working!

Then there is all of the physical crap. I do not care about names any longer. All I know is that I woke up screaming in pain this morning. MY back, arms, and legs felt like they were on fire.

It was at this moment that I really though about life, or my life more exactly. Once I was able to clean my home, walk to the store, run through the park with the kids, chase the kids, walk the zoo or the aquarium without a problem. Now, any one of those things is impossible. Life has taken on a whole new view. It is not that I do not like the view, yet I do have to get used to it. First, I do not ask for help very easily and I realize that I need to start to ask for help.

I wish that people who know me would realize that I still want to go out and have a cup of coffee or see a movie. I need people in my life, yet due to my PTSD, I tend to push people away.

I feel like I need to start life over. That I need to make amends with people and realize what I can do.

One idea that has been thrown around is a book! For those who read my blog, I would love your opinion and I am looking into how to go about telling my story. Maybe others can relate!

Just When I Thought I was Improving

Right now it is the middle of the night and I am wide awake. Another nightmare. I did not choose this, yet it happened.

Last night I spoke about my illness and was asked some great questions. I guess someone was triggered. My IBS is acting up, which I know is a little part.

Lately, I have been in a struggle with myself. Currently, I still have a relationship with my past abusers. This is causing many problems between parts inside. Some still want to see these people, yet are disappointed after each time. Others just want to feel ” normal”. Then there are those who just cannot take it any longer and need a break in order to deal with the abuse in therapy.

I feel selfish for needing a break. My parts are in a constant argument at this point. Really, I thought I could have it both ways. Speak to them, and deal with the trauma. That is turning out as well as trying to text and drive. I feel so selfish and guilty over what I know I need to do.

Tonight, I am up in the middle of the night with stomach pains and a nightmare. Maybe it is time that I listen to those younger parts and do what is best for those little abused kids inside instead of just doing things out of guilt.

Grown Up, Yet Little Thoughts

Grown Up, Yet Little Thoughts

Recently, in therapy I have been working on my mother. More specifically, how she was not emotionally there for me.

One aspect of infancy and early childhood that I find interesting is the trust aspect. As children, mom is supposed to be the first person that we trust. I know for me that is not the case. For me, mom meant pain and hurt. Mom meant that I was never good enough and often was left yearning for her attention.

Today, I am a mom. Mother’s day is hard. I think of my mom who I want to be there to hear about the hurt and pain and just cannot seem to do that. Then there are my grandmother and aunt who were there and did hug me. They allowed me to play dolls with them, cook with them, and just be myself.

Then I think of myself as a mom. To me, I have not been a great mom. I try to be there for my kids. They live so far away from me and I see them every third weekend. I try to make the time I have with them special and call them every night to see how their day was. I am hoping that I am at least there enough that they will not feel like I was absent. Not there, not able to connect.

I do not want them to have to go through the pain that I am going through now. Pain that started when I was born and had a mom who was just not ready to be a mom to another child after losing two.

As an adult, I cannot imagine her pain. As a child, I never felt good enough for her.

Just because it is called mother’s day, I wonder who my “mom” really was. Mom can mean anyone who supports, comforts, nurtures, and helps a child along in life. In that case, I think that I was lucky enough to have two women in my life for a few years who fit that exact description. The child inside of me yearns for them and thinks about them every mother’s day.

Finally, Some Color!!

Finally, Some Color!!

My symptoms are finally stabilizing for the first time in months. I am learning to live with the constant pain and adapting my life accordingly.

As far as the PTSD, I am working in therapy to finally talk and break down all of my abuse. There are times when I feel like I need a break from my abuser and times when parts feel the need to talk with that person. All parts are accepting that this back and forth may last a while.

I am getting out of the house more than I was. Not that I want to leave the house. If it were up to me I would stay in all the time. There are appointments to get to and a friend’s recital this weekend that I am excited to see. Not to mention the fact that I am able to meet up and see my future service dog this weekend.

I have been reading a lot lately. Reading about other’s struggles with the symptoms of PTSD somehow makes me feel normal. The hypervigilence, insomnia, flashbacks, and nightmares are normal for those of us that have been through trauma.

For now, I want to try to enjoy each day. For one, I have finally been on a regular sleep schedule and take fewer naps. The schedule has definitely helped. I am in bed by 10 every night and up by 9 the next morning. This does not mean that I do not struggle to go to sleep, yet I still go to bed.

The photo today is of carnations. They were my great grandmothers favorite flower. I loved the color combination of the pink and black. She would have loved that they were different. I still miss her everyday. She was one of the few people in my life who listened to me and really got me along with my aunt who lived with her.

They may be gone, yet they are not forgotten. I was lucky to have their love and support through some of the toughest years of my life.

My hope, is that my kids feel that they got the love and support that they needed from me when they are older. Only time will tell!

Waking Up

Over the past few weeks, I have come to realize that I really am disabled. Yes, the cane and the hang tag are obvious outward signs, yet I am talking about the clues inside of me.

For the longest time I thought that all of the symptoms would pass or that it was all in my head. Now I know that the pain in my knees, legs and back is real. Through tests, I have realized that I have arthritis, bone spurs, and discs in my back that are degenerating.

So this past week, instead of thinking all of this was bad, I called around and found some help to get back to maybe working part time. I am lucky to have people in my life who understand.

When I describe myself, I talk about my love of musicals, reading, going and watching the water. I also talk about being a mother and a wife. There is the terrible divorce. Finally, or maybe somewhere in the middle, there is the PTSD, depression, anxiety, arthritis, and fibromyalgia.

All of the above have made me who I am today and are a part of me. As my therapist says this is “a guided tour through hell”. I would also say that some of this has been the best thing that happened to me. Not the sick part, the part where I have people who have stuck by my side. The part where I am getting a service dog. Life is just taken a turn. Maybe, I am finally coming to some acceptance of where I am.

Today, happens to be the anniversary of the death of a loved one from long ago. Today, unlike the past, I am able to grieve and to talk about this person. Today, I am finally able to bring up all of the emotions and thoughts from the past and be safe!!