Over the past few weeks, I have come to realize that I really am disabled. Yes, the cane and the hang tag are obvious outward signs, yet I am talking about the clues inside of me.
For the longest time I thought that all of the symptoms would pass or that it was all in my head. Now I know that the pain in my knees, legs and back is real. Through tests, I have realized that I have arthritis, bone spurs, and discs in my back that are degenerating.
So this past week, instead of thinking all of this was bad, I called around and found some help to get back to maybe working part time. I am lucky to have people in my life who understand.
When I describe myself, I talk about my love of musicals, reading, going and watching the water. I also talk about being a mother and a wife. There is the terrible divorce. Finally, or maybe somewhere in the middle, there is the PTSD, depression, anxiety, arthritis, and fibromyalgia.
All of the above have made me who I am today and are a part of me. As my therapist says this is “a guided tour through hell”. I would also say that some of this has been the best thing that happened to me. Not the sick part, the part where I have people who have stuck by my side. The part where I am getting a service dog. Life is just taken a turn. Maybe, I am finally coming to some acceptance of where I am.
Today, happens to be the anniversary of the death of a loved one from long ago. Today, unlike the past, I am able to grieve and to talk about this person. Today, I am finally able to bring up all of the emotions and thoughts from the past and be safe!!