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Grown Up, Yet Little Thoughts

Recently, in therapy I have been working on my mother. More specifically, how she was not emotionally there for me.

One aspect of infancy and early childhood that I find interesting is the trust aspect. As children, mom is supposed to be the first person that we trust. I know for me that is not the case. For me, mom meant pain and hurt. Mom meant that I was never good enough and often was left yearning for her attention.

Today, I am a mom. Mother’s day is hard. I think of my mom who I want to be there to hear about the hurt and pain and just cannot seem to do that. Then there are my grandmother and aunt who were there and did hug me. They allowed me to play dolls with them, cook with them, and just be myself.

Then I think of myself as a mom. To me, I have not been a great mom. I try to be there for my kids. They live so far away from me and I see them every third weekend. I try to make the time I have with them special and call them every night to see how their day was. I am hoping that I am at least there enough that they will not feel like I was absent. Not there, not able to connect.

I do not want them to have to go through the pain that I am going through now. Pain that started when I was born and had a mom who was just not ready to be a mom to another child after losing two.

As an adult, I cannot imagine her pain. As a child, I never felt good enough for her.

Just because it is called mother’s day, I wonder who my “mom” really was. Mom can mean anyone who supports, comforts, nurtures, and helps a child along in life. In that case, I think that I was lucky enough to have two women in my life for a few years who fit that exact description. The child inside of me yearns for them and thinks about them every mother’s day.