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Right now it is the middle of the night and I am wide awake. Another nightmare. I did not choose this, yet it happened.

Last night I spoke about my illness and was asked some great questions. I guess someone was triggered. My IBS is acting up, which I know is a little part.

Lately, I have been in a struggle with myself. Currently, I still have a relationship with my past abusers. This is causing many problems between parts inside. Some still want to see these people, yet are disappointed after each time. Others just want to feel ” normal”. Then there are those who just cannot take it any longer and need a break in order to deal with the abuse in therapy.

I feel selfish for needing a break. My parts are in a constant argument at this point. Really, I thought I could have it both ways. Speak to them, and deal with the trauma. That is turning out as well as trying to text and drive. I feel so selfish and guilty over what I know I need to do.

Tonight, I am up in the middle of the night with stomach pains and a nightmare. Maybe it is time that I listen to those younger parts and do what is best for those little abused kids inside instead of just doing things out of guilt.