My kitty is sick again. I had to take her back to the hospital today to get another check up for a complication from her surgery. She is wearing a kitty cone and is miserable. I will be so happy when she gets well.
So, summer is here! Every year when I was younger my mother had me participate in the summer reading program at the local library. I loved to read. Reading allowed me to go to different places and experience adventures that I never would have in life.
Today, I still love to read. True crime novels, non-fiction, and most recently teen novels. I like teen novels because they are not triggering like adult novels can be and are not as graphic. Ever since October, I have been keeping a list of the books that I have read. The list is for two reasons, one to keep track of what I read and two for parts to keep track.
Parts each like different types of books. So I thought that maybe I would start to blog about the books that I am reading since I can read a book in a day if I really want too.
The other hobby that I had growing up was dancing. I loved the music and the studio. The studio became a second home for me. Just when I thought that I could go back to dance, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and am going through even more testing. I can still go and watch the show though. I went to the dance recital and I realized that I loved looking at the girls faces. The smiles reminded me of how I felt when I was up on stage and smiling!! It was great.
Today, I also journal and draw. Sometimes I think that I am doing both wrong, yet I am doing both for me.
Recently, I have started to attend a support group for one of my illnesses. The group has helped so much. Having others who are experiencing the same issues is something that I have not had since I was inpatient.
So, there are a few other subjects that I am going to start to try to incorporate into my blog. There is more to me than my mental illness and my physical problems. I am looking forward to expanding the topics on the blog and being positive.
Everything seems to have worked out over the past week, although some issues are still up in the air. Good news is always great to share. My car was fixed and I am back on the road. At first I was terrified to get behind the wheel, yet I knew that deep down I had to drive in order to get over what had happened and not let it run my life.
Next, the kitty had her surgery. I am proud to say that she is home with a kitty cone and sleeping behind me at the moment. We are still waiting for the results of her biopsy. Fingers crossed. Due to her illness, I was not able to go to my Uncle’s wake or funeral. Someone needed to be here to watch her and make sure that she was ok.
So, things have a way of working out in the end I guess. I wish that my therapy would work this well and that one week would be horrible and the next would be ok. Oh well, I will take what I can get.
Sorry about not writing. The past week has been a blur that seems to have taken on a life of its own. It all started last Monday with a trip to the vet and the cat being sick. She needed surgery and we will not find out until next week whether or not the mass removed was cancer.
This was followed by an appointment with a neurologist. I have seen every other kind of doctor, so why not? The diagnosis may be somatization disorder. Great, another mental health issue. This is frustrating because I cannot just make the symptoms go away, yet I wish that I could.
Then, later in the week, right after therapy, someone rear-ended my car. My back was in so much pain that I asked for an ambulance. Turns out my fibro had been stirred up.
Over the weekend I was dealing with the pain and trying to think positively about my cat!
This week, she had the surgery and is in some discomfort, yet overall eating and acting like her old self.
Without a car, I have had a lot of time to work on myself. It has been good in that therapy was very productive this week. The bad part is that I now know I have a ton of issues to deal with.
The eating disorder, all of the traumas, the feelings regarding the current events in my life. Feelings and emotions are things that I tend to repress and keep deep down where I do not need to deal with them.
My therapist is recommending increasing the amount of therapy each week since I am struggling with impulses. Not only that, but the eating disorder is taking over!
So I do not know where to turn right now. Life is hazy and I just want to be able to clear away a little at a time, yet it does not seem to be that way this week!
Father’s Day. In an ideal world there would be getting together, cook outs, time with family, or maybe even a day trip. The day would be one without argument, a day to just sit back and enjoy.
Growing up, Father’s Day was hell. There was nothing but stress involved. My father was never really emotional. Most Father’s Days passed and he would just sit around and smoke, while outside I watched families having cook outs and going places.
Then there was the person who molested me. My mom would go to the store and get him a box of tobacco every year for Father’s Day. I hated having to go over there and give anything to him. He was already taking so much from me.
This Father’s Day is strange. My husband will not get to see my kids since they are with their biological father. To the kids, they have two dads. We solved some of the issue by going out to dinner as a family the last time that they were here. The kids had a great time and that is what counts.
So, Father’s Day is a mess of memories for me. Good and bad. This year I get to spend Father’s day with my husband and call my kids later. As far as my dad, I am still debating on what to do. I have a card for him. The only time that he comes over the house though is when my kids are here. He does not come over just to see me. This hurts on father’s day. That my own dad does not want to see me.
The fact is, I am getting used to it. I am learning not to expect anything from either of my parents.
To all of those who have great dad’s, I hope that you have a good Father’s Day.
First, thank you again to everyone who is reading my blog. It means so much to me. I was fortunate enough to be nominated by a fellow blogger for a Sunshine Award. I am still trying to figure this blogging out, so thank you and I am looking at how to proceed!!
The other day I was talking to a group of patients in and inpatient setting, and suddenly realized that I had to know where I had been to know where I was going. Over the past week, I have looked into going back to work. It is a scary thought for me. For all of the times that I did work, I was not able to keep any one job for more than a year. That is not what I want to do at this point.
Like any job hunter I thought about my skills. There are so many that I cannot put down on a resume. Being knowledgable about the intake procedures on a psychiatric unit, helping others on the unit while being helped at the same time, lending an ear to a fellow patient, getting the results of tests that were negative just to have to go through more testing.
Then I thought about what my “marketable” skills were. I can type, yet not very fast. I like to help people. I have a CNA and I know CPR. I am not sure how these are going to help in my job search.
I do not have bumper stickers or t-shirts that say that I have any type of illness, yet me being ill is what got me here. I am stronger because I was able to leave an abusive marriage and talk about the horrible things that happened to me as a child. Today, I like myself better than I did before I was committed to a psych unit. People look different to me now. I would rather sit down and talk to someone than pass judgement.
I am proud of who I am. Maybe I cannot type 40 WPM or use the latest version of Excel, yet I can get along with a variety of people and adapt to all sorts of situations. What I have been through has made me stronger. So while, I will not be putting my hospitalizations down on my resume, I am not sure I can just forget them or move on. I am not sure how I will answer interview questions.. Well, yes I am. Honestly. I am just going to be who I am!!