After learning that I would not be able to get my service dog, I was more than a tad upset.

For some reason, I think that it is actually a good thing. I was unable to finish nursing school due to my physical symptoms. I am lucky though I do have a BS and can use that to try to move on. So, I have picked myself up from feeling sorry for me and started to look at college programs that I can do and that are right for me. It is a tad overwhelming, yet it has given me something to do.

My eating disorder so wants to act on itself with all of this stress. Most days I am strong enough to resist the temptation to act on my symptoms, yet there are others where I do give in. This leaves me feeling powerless, yet I am not giving up the fight and continue to go to the support group and be honest. Finding others with the same symptoms has helped me to learn some new skills and to meet new people.

Therapy is hard right now. My PTSD symptoms of hypervigilence and nightmares are going strong. Right now it seems that I need to make a decision about whether or not to continue to talk and communicate with my abusers. The decision is not easy. I have journals, made lists, talked and talked and yet I am still struggling. My abusers have been in my life ever since I could remember. They are not always the evil people who some of my parts remember. There were times when they were nice and were there for me. Right now though, I am an adult and still feel like a small child whenever they come around. So, what to do. If I cut them out of my life, then I can start to become independent and start to grow. If I keep them in my life, the same cycle continues. The biggest problem is that they always said that they were the only ones who would always be there for me. That has been true on some occasions, yet I have to trust that my husband and friends will be there if I really need them. I know that I would be there for them.

The abuse has to stop. Maybe the physical abuse stopped years ago, but the mental abuse is still happening every day. I feel like I am a hostage at this point and dread their phone calls. I feel like I cannot say no. I have to do what they want me to or I risk making them upset.

So, I guess I have made my decision. How to follow through? Am I really ready to give up the security blanket that I have had for so long? Am I stong enough?

I guess over the next few days and weeks I will see. I have a great therapist who is taking all  of this in stages. My therapist has seen the damage that my abusers have inflicted and is an advocate for me. There is so much work to do. Mentally it is draining at times. I know that I can do it. I just do not know if all parts are on board. There are younger ones that are so scared and it is causing chaos within my system. Time will tell!!

3 thoughts on “Moving on With Life (May Trigger)

  1. I relate to so much of this post – it is almost like a trip down memory lane as I reflect on my own similar battles with my parents

    Many years ago, I had to cut them out of my life. I needed time to go to battle with “Abusers – V – their idealistic memories of parenting”. Mum will always profess that they are the “best parents, best friends, and do everything for us”. However, my sister and I have completely different memories.

    We are in (distant) touch now and I sometimes wish I could have done things differently. However, having that time away from them (7 years) did give me permission – the freedom – to exorcise some of the demons.

    Reliving those painful memories can be one of the most difficult things we need to do. I still have not been able to talk about a lot of it, although writing in my blog is helping

  2. sorry to read this about your not getting a service dog, is it possible to try a different organization. there are many, i have several list on my blog. appreciate you sorry your deepest thoughts and emotions/feelings. may you continue on your journey towards recovery and a speedy way. feel good. have a peaceful weekend.

  3. Hi, sorry to hear you didn’t get your dog. The fact is, most PTSD dogs are owner trained. A PTSD dog is one that can tune in to its particular owner’s brainwaves and anticipate symptoms. The training part has to do with what the dog will do to mitigate your symptoms. Mine is a Lhasa Apso whom I didn’t specifically get with her being a Service Dog in mind. Lucky for me, she tunes right into me and physically cuddles up if I get triggered. She markedly reduces the frequency of my attacks by her calm and clear presence. At night if I have a nightmare about somebody climbing in the window, all I have to do is look at her sleeping soundly next to my pillow and I know nothing is “really” wrong. Not every dog will have these abilities, but then again not even a dog from an agency is guaranteed to be able to tune in to YOUR brain. You can find a perfectly wonderful PTSD candidate from your local shelter. A good resource for information and training tips is the Golden Paws Yahoo group. Good luck!

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