Tags

, , , , , , ,

After learning that I would not be able to get my service dog, I was more than a tad upset.

For some reason, I think that it is actually a good thing. I was unable to finish nursing school due to my physical symptoms. I am lucky though I do have a BS and can use that to try to move on. So, I have picked myself up from feeling sorry for me and started to look at college programs that I can do and that are right for me. It is a tad overwhelming, yet it has given me something to do.

My eating disorder so wants to act on itself with all of this stress. Most days I am strong enough to resist the temptation to act on my symptoms, yet there are others where I do give in. This leaves me feeling powerless, yet I am not giving up the fight and continue to go to the support group and be honest. Finding others with the same symptoms has helped me to learn some new skills and to meet new people.

Therapy is hard right now. My PTSD symptoms of hypervigilence and nightmares are going strong. Right now it seems that I need to make a decision about whether or not to continue to talk and communicate with my abusers. The decision is not easy. I have journals, made lists, talked and talked and yet I am still struggling. My abusers have been in my life ever since I could remember. They are not always the evil people who some of my parts remember. There were times when they were nice and were there for me. Right now though, I am an adult and still feel like a small child whenever they come around. So, what to do. If I cut them out of my life, then I can start to become independent and start to grow. If I keep them in my life, the same cycle continues. The biggest problem is that they always said that they were the only ones who would always be there for me. That has been true on some occasions, yet I have to trust that my husband and friends will be there if I really need them. I know that I would be there for them.

The abuse has to stop. Maybe the physical abuse stopped years ago, but the mental abuse is still happening every day. I feel like I am a hostage at this point and dread their phone calls. I feel like I cannot say no. I have to do what they want me to or I risk making them upset.

So, I guess I have made my decision. How to follow through? Am I really ready to give up the security blanket that I have had for so long? Am I stong enough?

I guess over the next few days and weeks I will see. I have a great therapist who is taking all  of this in stages. My therapist has seen the damage that my abusers have inflicted and is an advocate for me. There is so much work to do. Mentally it is draining at times. I know that I can do it. I just do not know if all parts are on board. There are younger ones that are so scared and it is causing chaos within my system. Time will tell!!

Advertisements