Why???

***TRIGGERING****

I am more than my diagnosis and yet my diagnosis is a part of who I am. It is frustrating that those closest to me feel that I should not be swayed by what has happened to be in the past when something happens today. To me, I think all of us are swayed by the event in our pasts. Whether it is the friends that we choose, the place that we go for vacations, or our attitude about school, kids, shopping, etc.  Sometimes I cannot help being triggered or having a flashback. There was so much abuse in the past, it is hard to go without some situation reminding me of it. Then there is the fact, that I do not want to make anyone upset with me which causes me to make some decisions that I do not really want to make, yet I know will make the other person happy. That is habit. I am not sure how to break it.

Sometimes, I feel like I will never fit in anywhere at this point. I see friends getting jobs, having kids, and going places. By contrast, I have applied to so many jobs without a single call back, my kids start school today and I will not be able to be there, and due to lack of income forget going away even if I wanted to.

Then there is the pain. I have been trying not to use my cane as much. I feel vulnerable with the cane. Today, I think I am going to have to use it. I am having another test today, this time a biopsy. While, I am not thrilled about the test, I will be glad to get it over with.

I watch shows about people with addictions and their recovery. So many of them have pasts that include trauma. Why can’t our medical system get it right. Treating trauma is not as simple as whether or not someone is suicidal. I am not allowed the time in the hospital that I need to develop a rapport with my inpatient therapist and open up about my past. The insurance company has put a Band-Aid on a gaping wound that is not healing. Once again my doctor’s are talking about inpatient. I feel like I ought to reserve a space at this time of year.

Yes, I am suicidal at this point, yet that is only a symptom of the overwhelming number of things going on in my head. The past is like a rubix cube in my head that I cannot seem to ever solve. The puzzle never comes together and I am left with something that I feel that I cannot work with. I question my accuracy of events, I question if I need help, I question if the abuse could really have been that bad.

Then I wake up with cold sweats or have a flashback in the middle of a store. My arm hurts for no reason or I am terrified of the dark. I hear the screaming in my head. The child who is still terrified, the teenager who is angry at the world, the young adult who still cannot find her place in life, and the mother figure who is still putting me down every chance she gets.

So, today I will keep my appointment and do what I need too. I will go through crowds being terrified because of my hypervigilence and the old messages that will not stop playing in my head that others are only out to hurt me. The doctor will do what he needs to and the result will most likely show something, yet “not enough to treat”. Back to square one. When will I be enough to treat??? 

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Doctor Overload

**May Trigger**

 

When did going to the doctor’s become a part-time job? That is how I feel anymore. From the therapist and psychiatrist to the rheumatologist, pain doctor, neurologist, and internist, I feel that someone should get something right.

Nine years. That is how long I  have been going to therapy. It always seems like something has triggered one of my parts or my PTSD. I feel like therapy is never long enough and I cannot get what I want out. There are things in my past that I have yet to work on and they just seem to build up.

Then there is the psychiatrist. MY doctor is amazing. Yet, I feel so drained after a second session. For some reason my parts really like her and want to talk to her, yet I feel guilty right now because parts want to draw, yet cannot find the time or a way to do it. They feel trapped with everything else that is going on.

My internist is leaving and I get to get yet another new doctor. I guess I will see if this doctor thinks that all my illnesses are in my head. I am hoping the new doctor is open-minded and takes the results of all of the physical tests seriously. I feel that doctor’s are too quick to blame my mental illness when the physical evidence is right in front of them. Not just in words, but also in pictures.

Then there is the fact that I am just plain tired of all of the testing. How many EKG’s is it going to take with abnormal results before someone does something. I have had over 5 by the way. Anemia keeps coming up, yet none of my doctor’s is treating it. I may not be locked behind the doors of an institution, however; my mental illness is the first thing that the doctors seem to want to know about. I am tired of doctor’s asking me how I came to have PTSD. Some even going as far as to ask what type of abuse? How does this relate to my knee hurting or an MRI that shows abnormalities of my spine?

Sometimes, I feel like I am invisible to regular medical doctor’s. They read my chart and I become some type of sick experiment. If I was not mentally ill, would they take my test results more seriously or would I get different treatment? Sometimes I think so.

So, in the tradition of appointments. I have a biopsy next week along with therapy, I just want some of this to end. No one would want this. I know that I don’t. I am trying to find answers to what I fear is not able to be answered. Therapy is great, yet it cannot take away my memories. Everything cannot be solved with a prescription. Sometimes things are the way they are and the doctor needs to understand that!!

Just Plain Tired!!

All things happen in threes! At least that is the saying anyway. I guess the first would be the cat needing surgery. She is a huge part of my husband’s and my life,  so we went ahead and had the operation. Complications followed. I am happy to say she is back to her normal self. Waiting at the food bowl, wanting to curl up with us, and even playing with her toys.

Then, our plumbing has decided that it needs work. We called a plumber and that will be fixed in the next couple of weeks.

The other day, was the third event. We noticed that our air conditioning unit was leaking. We thought that it was just a clogged condensation line. No, it could not be that simple. We found out that the previous owner had made his own collection tray and that it had a crack in it. We were told by more than one repairman that we need a new central air unit.

Well, up until then , I had handled things pretty well. Sure, I was not happy that all of these strange people were coming in the house or that my routine was totally off. I lost it yesterday. No air conditioning and my fibromyalgia do not mix very well. I was already having some symptoms of pain and exhaustion. Now the pain is worse and I can barely get off the couch.

Thanks to my husband, we now have window units that are keeping the house cool!! He is amazing and I do not know what I would do without his support. He installed the last AC unit at 9pm last night and had to go to work this morning. He wanted to make sure that I did not feel any worse. True love!!

Then there is therapy. I am struggling with impulses right now. Things are going well. How come the nightmares have to come or the panic attacks. Yet, for some reason I have come to accept that those are part of my life. I cannot turn off my past.

What is hard is knowing that I now have people in my life who are there because they want to be. Not because they want something from me or are using me. My abusers used me, my ex-husband used me, and I have had “friends” in the past who have used me. Needless to say, I have issues with trust and I always feel like the people around me are going to leave me. Even today, my parents only come around when my kids are at the house. During this week, when everything seemed to be crashing around me, they were not even there.

I am also trying to work on my own self-esteem. I did not realize how low my self-esteem was. I guess that is all a part of accepting what happened to be and the effects that it has had on me. I will save the details for another post. I will say that it has affected all aspects of my life.

The good news is that I try to keep pushing on. I think I am going to go back to school. We will see how that works out!! After my last try at work, I have realized that my body can only handle so much and after some research I think I have decided on a path to go. It feels good to make a decision that is mine and that I am accepted for. My husband is 100% on board.

This week is back to school for the kiddos. I am excited that my oldest is starting middle school. This is a new beginning for him and he seems to be really into the fact that he will have a locker for the first time and that he will get to meet new people. Then there are my elementary school kids. They get to meet their teacher’s on Friday and see their classrooms. As pumped as I am, I know that I have struggled with communication from school for as long as the kids have been at the school. I am prepared this year for another year of being ignored and having to go over to the school to make it known that I am involved in my kids lives and want to know what is going on.

My kids are going through so much right now. Their dad is dating a women who has kids. My kids feel pushed to the side and hurt. They call me and talk about what is bothering them. I am glad that they feel so open toward me about their feelings. I just wished that I could do more. There are some days that I just want to drive over there and get them. It brings up a lot of horrible feelings and memories from my past. I just need to keep the two separated.

Back to Looking

Back to looking for a job. My husband thinks that I should think about working from home.

I am thinking about he daycare or medical billing. I just do not know if I can go through years of college again.

Next week I am going to start again. This weekend I am focusing in my husband and family. They are the most important in my life!!

I want to, yet they do not think I can

I have had a job as an aide in a childcare center for two days. Before being hired, I had to get a form filled out by my doctor. The form had about my mental illness along with my fibromyalgia and nerve problems.

Today I walked into the building with my cane and clocked in after being handed my time card by the assistant director. I punched my time card and then the owner stated that I could not work today because I had a cane and could not chase after the kids.

My husband is telling me to go into work tomorrow, cane or not. I just feel like with the tasks that I am being asked to do, I am going to need the cane because it exacerbates my leg and knee pain. It is beginning to feel like I am not going to be able to have a job. I may have a cane, yet I can still be a productive employee.

Pushing Through the Pain (May Trigger)

It is that time of year again. The nightmares have started, the self-harm in my sleep, looking around every corner, not wanting to answer the phone. This year, I do not want to wind up in the hospital like I have for the past 10 years.

I speak about my mental illness. What is crazy, is that I do not have to tell the same story twice. There is so much that has happened to me. I guess that is why the doctor says it is complex PTSD. For me, it just means that I get to relive the same dark memories at times when  I do not want too.

Many times, I have been told to move on. I wish it were that easy. All of our pasts affect us. There are people who do not like storms or driving at night because something may have happened. For me, I can find something that happened almost everywhere and everyday.

So, what am I doing differently this year. I am trying to set healthy boundaries with my mom. That is hard. She feels that we need to talk everyday. I am fine with once a week. Also, I need to stop sharing so much of my life with her. I am never going to have her approval. Her problems are always going to come first and life is always a catastrophe. Then there are my kids. I love them and I want to be there as much as I can, yet I need to realize that I cannot be everywhere at once and I need to let go. Therapy is hard, yet I need to push through it. My therapist and I are not always going to agree. I just need to realize that it is ok.

Over the past few months, I have been looking for a job. It has been frustrating. Yes, I have a BS and a lot of education behind me. I feel like I am starting over from scratch. I am not sure what I want to do or what will make me happy, so I have been going with my gut. Want ads seem like candy in the store. Why should I have to pick just one occupation. I guess that is my parts talking.

So, I have applied and I was interviewed and offered a job the other day, I should be happy that I am starting a new job. In fact, I am terrified. I have not ever kept a job for more than a few months. This time of year is hard to begin with and now I am adding the stress of a job. Most people would be excited and tell others. The only person who knows about the job is my husband. I have not told any friends or posted it on Facebook.

What if I am not what they expect? Sometimes I wonder who goes in for the interview and if I set myself up to fail. I at least need to try this job and try to keep it. I am sure I will be triggered and frustrated. There is a possibility that my physical pain could become too much. But, then again that is my life at this point. My pain is still there, yet I have learned to manage it and take a break when I need to. Hopefully, this job will allow room for breaks. Again, I want to keep this position, but I am not sure of things.