It is that time of year again. The nightmares have started, the self-harm in my sleep, looking around every corner, not wanting to answer the phone. This year, I do not want to wind up in the hospital like I have for the past 10 years.
I speak about my mental illness. What is crazy, is that I do not have to tell the same story twice. There is so much that has happened to me. I guess that is why the doctor says it is complex PTSD. For me, it just means that I get to relive the same dark memories at times when I do not want too.
Many times, I have been told to move on. I wish it were that easy. All of our pasts affect us. There are people who do not like storms or driving at night because something may have happened. For me, I can find something that happened almost everywhere and everyday.
So, what am I doing differently this year. I am trying to set healthy boundaries with my mom. That is hard. She feels that we need to talk everyday. I am fine with once a week. Also, I need to stop sharing so much of my life with her. I am never going to have her approval. Her problems are always going to come first and life is always a catastrophe. Then there are my kids. I love them and I want to be there as much as I can, yet I need to realize that I cannot be everywhere at once and I need to let go. Therapy is hard, yet I need to push through it. My therapist and I are not always going to agree. I just need to realize that it is ok.
Over the past few months, I have been looking for a job. It has been frustrating. Yes, I have a BS and a lot of education behind me. I feel like I am starting over from scratch. I am not sure what I want to do or what will make me happy, so I have been going with my gut. Want ads seem like candy in the store. Why should I have to pick just one occupation. I guess that is my parts talking.
So, I have applied and I was interviewed and offered a job the other day, I should be happy that I am starting a new job. In fact, I am terrified. I have not ever kept a job for more than a few months. This time of year is hard to begin with and now I am adding the stress of a job. Most people would be excited and tell others. The only person who knows about the job is my husband. I have not told any friends or posted it on Facebook.
What if I am not what they expect? Sometimes I wonder who goes in for the interview and if I set myself up to fail. I at least need to try this job and try to keep it. I am sure I will be triggered and frustrated. There is a possibility that my physical pain could become too much. But, then again that is my life at this point. My pain is still there, yet I have learned to manage it and take a break when I need to. Hopefully, this job will allow room for breaks. Again, I want to keep this position, but I am not sure of things.