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**May Trigger**

 

When did going to the doctor’s become a part-time job? That is how I feel anymore. From the therapist and psychiatrist to the rheumatologist, pain doctor, neurologist, and internist, I feel that someone should get something right.

Nine years. That is how long I  have been going to therapy. It always seems like something has triggered one of my parts or my PTSD. I feel like therapy is never long enough and I cannot get what I want out. There are things in my past that I have yet to work on and they just seem to build up.

Then there is the psychiatrist. MY doctor is amazing. Yet, I feel so drained after a second session. For some reason my parts really like her and want to talk to her, yet I feel guilty right now because parts want to draw, yet cannot find the time or a way to do it. They feel trapped with everything else that is going on.

My internist is leaving and I get to get yet another new doctor. I guess I will see if this doctor thinks that all my illnesses are in my head. I am hoping the new doctor is open-minded and takes the results of all of the physical tests seriously. I feel that doctor’s are too quick to blame my mental illness when the physical evidence is right in front of them. Not just in words, but also in pictures.

Then there is the fact that I am just plain tired of all of the testing. How many EKG’s is it going to take with abnormal results before someone does something. I have had over 5 by the way. Anemia keeps coming up, yet none of my doctor’s is treating it. I may not be locked behind the doors of an institution, however; my mental illness is the first thing that the doctors seem to want to know about. I am tired of doctor’s asking me how I came to have PTSD. Some even going as far as to ask what type of abuse? How does this relate to my knee hurting or an MRI that shows abnormalities of my spine?

Sometimes, I feel like I am invisible to regular medical doctor’s. They read my chart and I become some type of sick experiment. If I was not mentally ill, would they take my test results more seriously or would I get different treatment? Sometimes I think so.

So, in the tradition of appointments. I have a biopsy next week along with therapy, I just want some of this to end. No one would want this. I know that I don’t. I am trying to find answers to what I fear is not able to be answered. Therapy is great, yet it cannot take away my memories. Everything cannot be solved with a prescription. Sometimes things are the way they are and the doctor needs to understand that!!

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