I am more than my diagnosis and yet my diagnosis is a part of who I am. It is frustrating that those closest to me feel that I should not be swayed by what has happened to be in the past when something happens today. To me, I think all of us are swayed by the event in our pasts. Whether it is the friends that we choose, the place that we go for vacations, or our attitude about school, kids, shopping, etc.  Sometimes I cannot help being triggered or having a flashback. There was so much abuse in the past, it is hard to go without some situation reminding me of it. Then there is the fact, that I do not want to make anyone upset with me which causes me to make some decisions that I do not really want to make, yet I know will make the other person happy. That is habit. I am not sure how to break it.

Sometimes, I feel like I will never fit in anywhere at this point. I see friends getting jobs, having kids, and going places. By contrast, I have applied to so many jobs without a single call back, my kids start school today and I will not be able to be there, and due to lack of income forget going away even if I wanted to.

Then there is the pain. I have been trying not to use my cane as much. I feel vulnerable with the cane. Today, I think I am going to have to use it. I am having another test today, this time a biopsy. While, I am not thrilled about the test, I will be glad to get it over with.

I watch shows about people with addictions and their recovery. So many of them have pasts that include trauma. Why can’t our medical system get it right. Treating trauma is not as simple as whether or not someone is suicidal. I am not allowed the time in the hospital that I need to develop a rapport with my inpatient therapist and open up about my past. The insurance company has put a Band-Aid on a gaping wound that is not healing. Once again my doctor’s are talking about inpatient. I feel like I ought to reserve a space at this time of year.

Yes, I am suicidal at this point, yet that is only a symptom of the overwhelming number of things going on in my head. The past is like a rubix cube in my head that I cannot seem to ever solve. The puzzle never comes together and I am left with something that I feel that I cannot work with. I question my accuracy of events, I question if I need help, I question if the abuse could really have been that bad.

Then I wake up with cold sweats or have a flashback in the middle of a store. My arm hurts for no reason or I am terrified of the dark. I hear the screaming in my head. The child who is still terrified, the teenager who is angry at the world, the young adult who still cannot find her place in life, and the mother figure who is still putting me down every chance she gets.

So, today I will keep my appointment and do what I need too. I will go through crowds being terrified because of my hypervigilence and the old messages that will not stop playing in my head that others are only out to hurt me. The doctor will do what he needs to and the result will most likely show something, yet “not enough to treat”. Back to square one. When will I be enough to treat??? 

One thought on “Why???

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