For the past month and a half, I have been in the hospital. It all started when I self-harmed and went to the doctor. She had no choice, but to admit me to the hospital. I was admitted to a trauma unit and was having problems maintaining my weight. I was sent to a eating disorders unit. Talk about crazy. I had to eat 100% of my meals or I was given a supplement. There were a lot of great people there and the staff was wonderful. The rules sucked.
I was sent back to the trauma unit after I had stabilized. Back on the trauma unit, I could not seem to break free from the depression. I was put on different medications and not one of them worked. It was decided by myself and my doctor, that I try ECT. The ECT improved my mood after the first treatment. I am less depressed and am actually motivated to do more than just sleep.
Even though the ECT has made me feel better and lifted the fog that I was in, I seem to be losing some time and am not as coordinated as I was. I was pulled over the other week for driving all over the road and yesterday I ran into another car. The only part of the accident that I remember is the impact. It looks like while I am going through the treatment, that I will not be able to drive. I guess I need to sacrifice something.
The eating disorder unit was crazy. They woke us up at 5:45am, had us go to the bathroom, change into a paper gown, get weighed, and then we were allowed to take a 6 minute shower. It was crazy and most of us felt less than human from the way that we were treated.
I was glad to get back to the trauma unit where I was understood and was able to get the treatment that I needed.
Since I have been home, I have seen my kids. It is hard to see them. I feel like I am not good enough even though I want to play games, make meals, and spend time with them. I feel like less of a parent since I have been in the hospital. Now, I may not be able to drive. How am I supposed to get over to their school for open house, parent-teacher conferences, and other things.
Not only that, but I cannot get to therapy or to my doctor’s appointments. I wished that I had family or friends who could take me, however; I know that everyone is busy with their own life. I am going to have to figure something out, I just do not know what.
I am planning on starting to try to write at least once a week since I am home now. Thanks to everyone who is reading this. It means a lot to me.