For the past month and a half, I have been in the hospital. It all started when I self-harmed and went to the doctor. She had no choice, but to admit me to the hospital. I was admitted to a trauma unit and was having problems maintaining my weight. I was sent to a eating disorders unit. Talk about crazy. I had to eat 100% of my meals or I was given a supplement. There were a lot of great people there and the staff was wonderful. The rules sucked.

I was sent back to the trauma unit after I had stabilized. Back on the trauma unit, I could not seem to break free from the depression. I was put on different medications and not one of them worked. It was decided by myself and my doctor, that I try ECT. The ECT improved my mood after the first treatment. I am less depressed and am actually motivated to do more than just sleep.

Even though the ECT has made me feel better and lifted the fog that I was in, I seem to be losing some time and am not as coordinated as I was. I was pulled over the other week for driving all over the road and yesterday I ran into another car. The only part of the accident that I remember is the impact. It looks like while I am going through the treatment, that I will not be able to drive. I guess I need to sacrifice something.

The eating disorder unit was crazy. They woke us up at 5:45am, had us go to the bathroom, change into a paper gown, get weighed, and then we were allowed to take a 6 minute shower. It was crazy and most of us felt less than human from the way that we were treated.

I was glad to get back to the trauma unit where I was understood and was able to get the treatment that I needed.

Since I have been home, I have seen my kids. It is hard to see them. I feel like I am not good enough even though I want to play games, make meals, and spend time with them. I feel like less of a parent since I have been in the hospital. Now, I may not be able to drive. How am I supposed to get over to their school for open house, parent-teacher conferences, and other things.

Not only that, but I cannot get to therapy or to my doctor’s appointments. I wished that I had family or friends who could take me, however; I know that everyone is busy with their own life. I am going to have to figure something out, I just do not know what.

I am planning on starting to try to write at least once a week since I am home now. Thanks to everyone who is reading this. It means a lot to me.

One thought on “Back and ready to write

  1. I hope that the next few weeks are easier and that you shake away the feeling that you are not good enough for your kids. You are very brave to share your story and the fact that you have taken time to visit your kids makes you a better parent in comparison to the mums & dads who, although mentally stable, do not give a fleeting thought about their children.

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