Can I Really Work to Change

I have been depressed for what seems like forever. I am working to try to understand my emotions, or lack of them. To stop self-harming every time that I feel overwhelmed.

I am working with my therapist, however; it is up to me to change. I am the one that needs to be able to sit with all the crappy feelings. To be able to realize that other people care. Right now, I feel like the last person who cared about me went out of my life when I was 11.

How do I begin to grieve the losses and live in the present. Create a life for today. Actually “live”. I do not even know where to start. I am scared of so much. A simple task like getting the mail in scares me. I guess I need to put one foot in front of the other. Start with something small. I need to realize that I did not get this way overnight and am not going to change overnight either.

This is going to be hard. To be frank, this is going to suck!!! If I want to get better and be in the present, I need to try. I am just scared that this will be another task that I fail at:-(

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Another Fun Day

Last night I was able to see my son’s first concert. I loved being able to watch his excitement of being on stage for the first time. It was also painful. I wish that I saw my kids more often. They live an hour away and their father still refuses to let me see them more.

WARNING: Complaining Ahead

Having a mental illness sucks!! I am no longer judged by my abilities. I am judged because I have a mental illness and have been in the hospital. Others around me may make poor choices. My decisions are attributed to my mental illnesses. I am tired of being though of as the mentally ill person.

On top of it, because I am upset my fibromyalgia has decided to act up. Last night, I was woken up numerous times with pain in my back.

My therapist says to get a hobby. The only problem is, I have no idea what to do. Sometimes, if I am having a really bad day, I am terrified to be around people.

Today, I have a doctor’s appointment. I do not know what to say!! How many times can I say the same thing!

Memory Loss

I was just discharged from the hospital. I feel like I am in a strange land. My depression was to the point that the doctor wanted to try ECT. I said yes! I am glad that I did. I feel better.

The treatment has had an effect on my memory. I cannot seem to remember how to do the simplest tasks. Everything seems strange. I am not sure if it is the ECT or being in the hospital for almost three months.

I was out of the hospital for a couple of weeks. In that time, I totaled me car. I do not even remember the accident. All I do know is that my 10 year old took over driving the car. Needless to say, I am not driving for a while.

I am down to getting ECT once a week and should be finished the treatments soon. From other people who have had the treatments, I have learned that it may take up to 6 months to get my memory back. I am just looking forward to things seeming familiar.