Another month in the hospital. I was not going to do ECT again after all of the memory problems that I had the first time. So, the doctor’s had to get creative.

First, I had burned myself and could not contract for safety. I was lucky enough to be escorted by my doctor and security to the waiting area. Either I could go in voluntarily or be committed. Finally, after talking to my husband, I signed a voluntary. I was escorted upstairs to the same unit that I had been on over a dozen times in the past. How was this going to help me. The same groups with the same activities!! Here I go again.

The doctor thought that since ECT had helped before, that we should try it again. No thanks. I am still trying to get my memory back from the first round. Finally, one of the other attendings increased my Prozac. It would be increased again before I left. Weeks went by and I still felt like self-harming. In comes Revia. Apparently, I am addicted to self harm. The trade off is that I cannot take my pain med for my Fibromyalgia.

On top of it all, I have cut off contact with my abuser. That has left me feeling guilty and scarred. This person has always been a part of my life. I am not sure I can get by without them.

Then, my ex decides that I am to sick to see my kids on overnight visits. I have had the same illness for 10 years. What has changed? He did not go to court and has not gotten any of the kids therapy. Everything is on me. I wish that I could afford a lawyer, yet I do not have that kind of money.

So, I was discharged a few days ago. I was able to see my kids for a day. I am taking my meds and having some side effects. Feeling tired and off balance, yet I am trying to get things done around the house. Be “normal”. All I want to do is crawl under a blanket and sleep all day. Instead, I am forcing myself to make beds, do laundry, empty the dishwasher, feed the cat. Except in my head nothing is normal!!

The abuse still plays over and over. My parts still do not agree with not talking to my abuser. One half really wants to call and talk. They feel that they cannot get along without her advice. When I told the doctor’s the highlights of what happened, they call it torture. I call it my life. They want to talk to parts. My parts are not into talking. In some ways they feel that they still need to keep quiet.

So, here I sit at 5am after a nightmare that my abuser has come after me. What was the point of keeping me in the hospital. The only thing that changed were my meds. That could have been done outpatient. Sometimes, I think that the doctors need to realize that all of this happened and there is no pill to forget it or make me feel better!!

Luckily, my husband has been amazing. He visited, brought food, did the laundry. I could not have asked for anymore. My doctor’s care about me. They just do not know what to do!!

So, for now I am home. I would like to be able to stay home for more than a few weeks this time!! Hopefully, I can keep working and stay at home. The hospital is just more of the same.

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