More of the Same

My mental health has not changed for 10 years. For 6 years I have seen my children overnight. Now, my ex want supervised visits and wants to come into my therapy sessions.

I feel so stuck. It is like my children are being held hostage from me because I have PTSD. Legally, I cannot afford an attorney to represent me and I do not qualify for legal aide.

I am no longer speaking to me abuser in order to remain healthy. I am taking my meds and seeing my doctors. Why is it that he can do this to me? No one has said that I a danger to my kids, in fact they are what kept me going everyday.

He lives in a million dollar home with boats and vacations. I can barely afford my doctor’s visits. Sometimes, I feel like I should go into law. There have to be others out there who need help and cannot get it.

The other wonderful revelation this week is that I cannot safely drive at this time. The therapy work is just to much and I am having to many flashbacks. Not that I can never drive again, I just need to work through all of this. The current situation certainly does not help.

Then there is my mental health. I struggle everyday to eat and to not self harm. I know that I am depressed, then again who would not be if someone were trying to take their kids away. I struggle with nightmares and often wake up thinking that I in the house and room where I was abused.

Sometimes I wonder how I am going to get through all of this. Luckily I have a supportive husband and a cat who likes to cuddle.

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Searching for a New Start

I am tired of living 2 miles away from my abuser and 30 miles away from my ex-husband who has decided to take my kids away because he feel that I am “unstable.”

Florida. I think that the warm weather and the sunshine would make a positive change in my life. Now all I need to do is figure out how to get a job and move down there. Hopefully, I will figure it out. I looked today, however; I wound up with a scam. Thank you to all who commented on this scam so I knew to get off the phone.

It is so hard right now. I want to see my kids and I have an agreement. Supposedly, I am getting a letter from an attorney soon.

Then there is therapy. Parts feel like they are being torn apart. We all know that we have to talk about what happened, yet it is not that easy. Sometimes, I sit there wanting to talk, yet nothing will come out. There are just to many parts that will protect what my abuser has done to me. So, I go every week wanting to talk and every week, I freeze.

My husband thinks that I should write a book. I do seem to write more than I speak. I don’t know. Who wants to read about my life? When I think about the sum of it all it is kind of depressing, yet hopeful. I am with someone now who loves me and treats me so well. It took a lot to get here. I guess the journey might be something to write about. Who knows. Something to think about.

 

If I Knew Then!!

I always knew from growing up in my house, that marriage was not easy. In fact, someone usually got hurt by the end of the day.

When I separated from my ex, I had this picture in the back of my mind that we would come to an agreement and get equal time with the kids. That was the fairy tale!! The reality was more like a bad drama. Custody was not about who was better for the kids or what was better for the kids. Dollar signs dominated who got custody and who was able to see 6 the kids more.

6 years later and my ex has finally achieved his long term goal. He will not let me se the kids overnight and schedules them for so many activities on the weekend that it is impossible to see them.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon on the phone with lawyers. The legal aid centers stated that they could not handle the case and not one private attorney will take the case pro bono.

I am just hoping that at the end of all of this mess the kids know that I love them. I feel like I am doing as much as I can.