I went to the doctor today for a sore throat. My appointments are never easy. My mental and physical ailments could fill up a page themselves. The doctor today was only concerned with getting out of the room as quickly as possible. On top of that, she did not know what one of my medications even was or what it is used for. Needless to say, she did not know the drug reactions.
My blood pressure was in the 80’s over 60’s. I told her I was sleeping 22 out of 24 hours a day. She did not even address those problems. I feel like she just saw me as another number. Maybe I need to start looking for a different doctor. One who at least knows about the medications that I am taking!!
For over 10 years my life has consisted of hospitals, therapists, psychiatrists, med changes, and everything else that has surrounded my mental health. It has been hard to relate to other people who have moved on with their lives or even just have a job. Also, due to my mental illness, I only have visitation with my kids and it is limited.
I have thought about going back to school. Once again I am at an impass as to whether I do what I like or what I can get hired into. Right now, I just do not know. Taking my medication each day and not self-harming is still a struggle. What to do with my life seems like an impossible question to answer.
Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to go out of the house more. It has not worked. I know that my home is safe and I like that I know that if I stay in the house I will not see my abuser. Leaving the house means a chance to run into abusers as well as dissociate and get into an accident.
So, where do I go. Do I take baby steps and maybe take a craft class or do I jump back into school with both feet and try that again? I am just confused and overwhelmed!!
Yesterday, in the mail, I received an awesome coloring book from my best friend. It has intricate drawings with hidden images. The coloring will definitely get my mind off of everything that is going on right now.
Then there is my husband. He has been there to listen and has been a shoulder to cry on. He is definitely patient.
My ex is still keeping the kids away from me. We are supposed to go to see a mediator, yet he still thinks that everything should be his way. The original court order still holds for now. This weekend I am supposed to get them Friday thru Sunday. He wants to drop them off somewhere and pick them up.
On top of everything because of the stress, my fibromyalgia is in full flare up. Everything is hurting and because of the medicine for the self-harm I cannot take anything for the pain. It sucks.
I think that any “normal” person would take issue with what is going on. Just because I have a mental illness does not mean that I cannot take care of my kids. Right now I just do not feel so hot. This is bringing up all sorts of memories of other people trying to control me and make decisions for me growing up. The only thing I can do right now is bring all of this up in therapy. I am not sure that 45 min is going to be enough.
I am doing all that I can to stay out of the hospital. I am fightng the impulses to self harm. I am taking my meds and going to the doctor. Nothing can replace the hole where my kids are supposed to be. I call them every night,, yet it is not the same as seeing them or being able to put them to bed.
Right now the phone is all that I have!!