Yesterday, in the mail, I received an awesome coloring book from my best friend. It has intricate drawings with hidden images. The coloring will definitely get my mind off of everything that is going on right now.

Then there is my husband. He has been there to listen and has been a shoulder to cry on. He is definitely patient.

***May Trigger***
My ex is still keeping the kids away from me. We are supposed to go to see a mediator, yet he still thinks that everything should be his way. The original court order still holds for now. This weekend I am supposed to get them Friday thru Sunday. He wants to drop them off somewhere and pick them up.

On top of everything because of the stress, my fibromyalgia is in full flare up. Everything is hurting and because of the medicine for the self-harm I cannot take anything for the pain. It sucks.

I think that any “normal” person would take issue with what is going on. Just because I have a mental illness does not mean that I cannot take care of my kids. Right now I just do not feel so hot. This is bringing up all sorts of memories of other people trying to control me and make decisions for me growing up. The only thing I can do right now is bring all of this up in therapy. I am not sure that 45 min is going to be enough.

I am doing all that I can to stay out of the hospital. I am fightng the impulses to self harm. I am taking my meds and going to the doctor. Nothing can replace the hole where my kids are supposed to be. I call them every night,, yet it is not the same as seeing them or being able to put them to bed.

Right now the phone is all that I have!!

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