I Did Not Think I Would be Here!!

What I use each day to get around. I used to dance and be able to run. Now, I can barely walk. It has changed the direction in my life yet again and I am going to try to go back to school yet again. The doctor the other day confirmed that I need to use the cane to get around. All I thought was that there has to be some surgery or something to stop this.

I know in some cases I am lucky. MY illnesses are not life threatening and I can still walk. Sometimes it is hard to see that. I remember when I used to dance and the feeling that it gave me to be in the studio. I cannot dance any longer and it hurts me to have to give it up. It was not my choice.

I went to campus the other day to meet with an advisor and sign up for classes. I was so tired by the time that I was finished. I am really hoping to be able to get a service dog one day. Walking any distance seems like a marathon.

So, now I am starting another program. Hopefully, this time I will be able to finish and get a job. The prospect scares me. There are days where I wake up in the morning and am ready to go, then there are the days that I barely have the energy to fix food for myself. Maybe by the time I am finished the program, I will have a service dog that can help me with balance and my anxiety.

If someone asked me where I thought I would be 20 years ago, I would have said working with kids. The reality is much different. I am trying to make the best of the situation.

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The Nightmare at the ER

***MAY TRIGGER, TRIGGER WARNING**

This week is a holiday week. I am more than a little stressed that I am not speaking to my parents and that I will not see my kids until Easter evening. Needless to say, my anxiety has kicked up a few notches.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with chest pains and shortness of breath. I waited for a little while and then decided that I needed to go to the ER to get checked out. My husband was kind enough to drive me and come in with me until he had to leave for class.

6:00 am Get to the ER. Triaged. Bands put on and insurance information taken.

7:00 am  Taken back to the room to be seen. The nurse came in and asked me where I was hurting, how long it had been going on, pain scale, and all of the other questions that she needed to ask. A student nurse came in and began asking me questions from what looked like a booklet. Some were about the chest pain, others related to my mental health.

That is where I made the mistake that would turn the rest of the day upside down  and have the staff focused on my mental health and not my physical ailment that brought me into the ER in the first place.

After 8:00am O

 

The doctor

Life??

**may trigger**

When I was in high school, life meant going to college and getting away from my parents. After college, there was marriage. The marriage brought kids. My ex was as abusive as my parents. I left and started over again. New places to live and even going back to school. Then my health took a turn for the worst and I had to end school 10 weeks shy of graduation.

So where is my life today? It feels like I am in a deep hole that I cannot get out of. Parts want to end it all and are tired of starting over again and again. My doctor asked if I would see him next week. My first response was not a yes.

There really are no good reasons to continue. I am tired of being scared that I will see my abusers when I leave the house. I am tired of not being in a position to move away and be able to try to have a life. Life is lonely. I can go for days without anyone calling. How do I go on and find a motivation to be here?

Don’t worry, I am going home and sleeping like every other day. I just want to stop feeling invisible!!

Please Stop Telling Me What Is Going On With Me

In my opinion, my therapist and psychiatrist are good. They listen and try to give assignments and advice that relates to what is going on with me based on what I tell them.

**MAY TRIGGER**

They do not get to see or hear everything that is going on. In my case I have DID. The doctor can be talking to one part while another is shouting about what i or the doctor is saying at the time. My life is complicated. Days run into each other and so do experiences. I realize that the doctor can only treat what I tell them about, yet I have drawings that map my parts and what each remembers. What happens to that information.

Assignments become triggering or irrelevant depending on what it is. I am tired of hearing it will get better with time, For me, it has been seven years. I still have the same nightmares, the same memories, the same fears. I have been working and journaling, yet none of it seems to help. The work just seems to stir more up.

The doctors are so happy that I got out what the assignment was that they do not see the landfall that they have created. I wish that everything could be put into a nice box. That the doctor could say to draw a safe place or write about how I feel and I would feel better. The only problem is that with so many parts, the safe place for one part may trigger memories for another part. All I tend to think, is here we go again.

Then there are the parts that refuse to show themselves. They are buried deep inside and would like to keep it that way. Why bring up the nightmare if I do not have to. Then, I wonder if the nightmare is really that bad. On top of that, the doctor will focus in on that one nightmare. The only problem is that the nightmare is one of many.

Having PTSD is like a choose your own adventure book sometimes. Follow the path of the memory and eventually one will come to an ending. Not always the same ending and sometimes the path diverges. What trauma do you want to hear about today??

Stop picking me apart. Stop telling me it will get better. Stop trying to separate events that cannot be separated. Most of all realize that there is so much more going on besides what you are hearing,

I said to my husband the other day that those of us with DID should be able to live together, It seems like we can often give each other the best advice, esp. on bad days when parts may be fighting. It would be nice to have people to feel “normal” around, Who know what you are going through, Who can give you suggestions on how to talk to your doctor because they have been there.

So to the doctor’s out there. I know that many of you are great, yet you only see a small fragment of us. Please try to listen more and talk less. Maybe other parts have a different opinion. All sides need to be heard before anything can be done!!

What the Doctor Sees!!

What the Doctor Sees!!

I recently went to the doctor and I believe that all they see is one individual problem at a time.

Even if it is not mental health, they never seem to put the pieces of the puzzle together, it always turns into a big mess. For instance, a doctor puts a patient on a medicine for cholesterol. That medicine lowers their BP. Then, the patient needs something for their blood pressure. There are some medicines out there that actually will bring on diabetes.

Are we helping or hurting patients. Sometimes I wonder about the handful of meds I take in the morning and the evening. Do I really need them all? What would happen if I went off of all of them?

So, I go to the doctor and it takes 10 minutes just to tell them the meds that I am on. Then they realize I am a mental patient and everything gets blamed on my mental illness. Sore throats, pain in my leg, and even headaches have all been attributed to me mental illness.

It really makes me wonder. I feel like the drawing. Pieces of me are wrapped up in each other. Not saying it would be any better if I had another illness, they would just blame it on that.

We are no longer individuals. We are a number on a chart. We are the chart. A doctor feels by reading the chart that they know you. If that was the case I should write them a book!!

Giving Up

I feel like I want to give up. I have gone back to school and was 10 weeks from graduation. My days have begun to run together. Every time I look at facebook. I realize how far ahead of me everyone is with their life.

As far as I am concerned, I am a failure. My first degree is not useable without going back for more schooling. That means money that I do not have and I am not sure that I want to start all over again. What if I cannot get through another program. What would I do then?

My eating disorder is strong right now. It is the only thing that I feel that I can control at this point. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here? My life has become
staying in one room of my home. I either cannot sleep or sleep all day.

I just wished that therre were someone with what I have that I could talk too. That understood what this is like and know how alone this illness can make someone.

Today I am close to the botttom. Hopefully, I can pull out of this and start living again instead of just getting through the day!