**may trigger**

When I was in high school, life meant going to college and getting away from my parents. After college, there was marriage. The marriage brought kids. My ex was as abusive as my parents. I left and started over again. New places to live and even going back to school. Then my health took a turn for the worst and I had to end school 10 weeks shy of graduation.

So where is my life today? It feels like I am in a deep hole that I cannot get out of. Parts want to end it all and are tired of starting over again and again. My doctor asked if I would see him next week. My first response was not a yes.

There really are no good reasons to continue. I am tired of being scared that I will see my abusers when I leave the house. I am tired of not being in a position to move away and be able to try to have a life. Life is lonely. I can go for days without anyone calling. How do I go on and find a motivation to be here?

Don’t worry, I am going home and sleeping like every other day. I just want to stop feeling invisible!!

2 thoughts on “Life??

  1. Hi. PTSD can be so hard to navigate. I feel lucky in a way that I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder and as such was put on Lamictal. Since being on Lamictal my moods have become very regular. No dips and only a few hypomanic episodes. I’ll take a little hypomania over depression ANYTIME! I feel for you and what you are going thru. I have so been in your place and you are not alone and you are not invisible. I see and hear you. There seems to be a lot on the internet lately about sui*. There is a new website done by a slam poet named Andrea Gibson called StayHereWithMe.com. She sends an email of encouragement every day. She has a poem about r* you can find on youtube called “blue blanket.” All of her poetry is just amazing if you want to feel heard. She expresses what we feel amazingly. I hope you make it to the doctors and get some help. Depression is, well…the pits! My thoughts are with you. Stay Here With Me!

    1. Is there a chapter of DBSA near you? Depression Bipolar Support Alliance is a national organization where local free peer led supports groups are organized. I have one locally that is about the only treatment I get because with Medicare, I can’t afford the co-pays. ($40/visit to therapy) Our DBSA chapter is very functional and at this point, the regulars have become good friends outside of meetings as well. Feel free to email me from here if I can help you find a chapter nearby?

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