The therapist knew about the self harm and let me go. The doctor knew about the self harm and the fact that I feel like I am going to explode. The doctor let me go. Come back on Monday. I feel like no one cares any longer. Self harm is just a part of who I am. I feel like the doctor gets their 45 minutes in and then it is just next.
I have become a number to some people. Just one more patient to see. Today, I said that I was not safe. Where am I? In my car. Go home, take the weekend. What is going to change? I have been feeling worse and worse.
Today, with all the thoughts of self harm, I was sure that I would be admitted. What do I have to say or do? When will I be able to get treatment and talk about my trauma. There are no groups and the doctor’s are overworked. The secrets will continue to stay buried!!
Why do I feel sorry for those that hurt me? I get angry at the wrong people and feel bad for others who I should be angry at.
I want to harm myself to get it out. Anything to stop feeling. Numbness is where I want to be. I try so hard not to feel anything. Yet I wind up going off on the people who are trying to help me.
I harmed myself and told me therapist. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and she may want me to go in the hospital. What is the hospital going to do other than keep me from harming myself.
In fact the other patients seem to be the only people that I can relate to and talk too. When I get out, I am alone again with no one to relate too. There are groups run by professionals for other illnesses. Not DID or PTSD. It is like we should just be able to go to weekly therapy and be ok. That is so not how it is!!
Over the past few weeks, I have been working with my therapist on what happened to me in the past. He keeps talking about reactions and thoughts being the “product of trauma”.
How am I supposed to think like everyone else when I am being told that my thinking is screwed up because of what happened to me.
Then there are the emotions. What do they feel like? Are one day they just going to happen? I try to connect with them and feel nothing. Numb: that is how I feel. Will that ever change?
Then there is the fine line about staying in the present while working on the past. So I have to take bits at a time and try to process them. I just feel that things should be going faster then they are at this point.
How many more journals and drawing tablets am I going to fill? Things are only going to get tougher. Luckily, I have a great treatment team. They can only guide me through this, not do it for me. Everything always looks easier when someone else does it that knows what they are doing.
At home I have support and my cat. She seems to know when I am not feeling well. To bad I cannot take her to therapy with me! This work is hard. Things did not happen in one day and are not going to be resolved in a day.