Over the past few weeks, I have been working with my therapist on what happened to me in the past. He keeps talking about reactions and thoughts being the “product of trauma”.
How am I supposed to think like everyone else when I am being told that my thinking is screwed up because of what happened to me.
Then there are the emotions. What do they feel like? Are one day they just going to happen? I try to connect with them and feel nothing. Numb: that is how I feel. Will that ever change?
Then there is the fine line about staying in the present while working on the past. So I have to take bits at a time and try to process them. I just feel that things should be going faster then they are at this point.
How many more journals and drawing tablets am I going to fill? Things are only going to get tougher. Luckily, I have a great treatment team. They can only guide me through this, not do it for me. Everything always looks easier when someone else does it that knows what they are doing.
At home I have support and my cat. She seems to know when I am not feeling well. To bad I cannot take her to therapy with me! This work is hard. Things did not happen in one day and are not going to be resolved in a day.