Out of Control ***TRIGGER WARNING ***

Nightmares and flashbacks are all part of PTSD. My marriage is starting to crumble because of them. Once my husband is up, he cannot get back to sleep. I ‘m waking up around one in the morning.

In therapy, I am working on processing these memories. Last night, my husband found me in the bathroom screaming curled into a ball in the fetal position.

He cannot keep up with all of this. First a separate room. Now what?? I’m not doing any of this because I want too. The good news is that I have not self harmed.

The nightmares are just getting worse. They are going down this dark path that exists even after I wake. Facing them in therapy has helped, yet I can only get through so much at once.

I do not want to lose my marriage, yet I cannot change the horrors that happened. I have a feeling that last night will not be the last where I wake screaming.

Losing Pieces

The past week has been hard. First, I was able to see the kids for the first time since May. They have grown so much. There is still this fear that they are not going to want me.

Then, I have been having the weirdest experience with parts. Lately, I have been tired all the time. I can be reading, watching a movie, or just relaxing. I start to have flashbacks. Multiple ones at the same time. My parts normally work really well together. I think they are overwhelmed. This is the first time in two years that we are home.

I have been trying to take it easy and compromise with them. It is not easy for them either. Talk about reality checking and past vs. present. The way that I am handling all of this is to take it to my therapist.

Hopefully, it will get better, yet we know it is the holiday season!!

6 Months

There have been so many times that I have thought of this moment. What it would be like or what I would say. How much they have changed and grown.

For the first time since Mother’s Day, I will be able to see my children. For months, the only way we have communicated is through a phone call each night.

Their dad wanted visits to stop, yet I continued to fight. In two days they will be here. There is going to be so much to catch up on. The reality is that we did lose that time, yet now we have another chance.

My kids are special to me. My son is going to be 13 and still says “I love you”. My other son always asks how I am doing and my youngest tells me stories so that I can picture them.

In two days I will be able to hug and see them. I know that I am so fortunate to be able to do so.

What is Normal???

If one saw me on the street, in a store, or at the movies, they would not know that I have issues. I watch the movie, check out the clothes, shop for what I need. In fact, sometimes I even have a smile on my face. If I saw myself I would think normal. Not mentally ill.

What people do not see is the terror that is rushing through my veins every time I leave the house. The anxiety that comes with possibly making a mistake or looking different.

There is a sound and I jump. Quickly, I have to figure out what it is and if it will hurt me.What about the person behind me. Is he/she safe or do I have to worry?

Alarms are everywhere. Home the car. There is always a panic button at the ready. Then there are the nightmares that I cannot get away from.

So, yes I have learned to look ok in public. Sometimes I just wished that I could tell more people what is really going on. Have a shopping buddy or someone to get our hair done together. Maybe see a movie. That would be nice.