My symptoms are just getting worse. I had a panic attack last night and then I was apparently talking in my sleep.
The hyper vigilance is kicking in. I am hearing every little sound outside and listening for anything that might be coming.
Then there are the memories that I would rather forget. The feelings of abandonment and loneliness.
I am taking my meds and going to therapy, yet I can’t seem to pull myself out of the dark place that I am in right now.
Who can I really talk too? My body is starting to fight me. Stress causes flare ups of my fibromyalgia. That makes me tired and sore. Class is hard to get through. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep all day.
After a crazy week, my husband is home this weekend. My kids are with my ex, so I have had some time to catch up on journaling and schoolwork.
We have decided to go out today. I like going out with my husband. He always has such a great attitude about everything. We get to talk and catch up. These times are special.
For someone to be in my life and not hurt me is a new concept. Well, someone I let get close to me. It is nice to know that someone else understands and wants to be there even though everyday is not all flowers and smiles.
I feel horrible today. I need to do school work and clean the house, yet my body is fighting me.
For some reason my heart is racing and I am shaking. Looks like another panic attack.
Not only am I losing someone in my life, but my ex is being difficult with visitation. Now I am worrying about if and when I will see the kids.
So many things were just ripped away from me as a kid. Sometimes I did not know what those around me wanted from me and I would get in trouble.
I just wish that agreements would get followed and that my mind would not have a mind of its own.
At last, I have a day off. I still have laundry and things around the house. There are therapy assignments to do. I am trying to deal with a loss and it is bringing up so much more.
I have time to work on projects and study. I think that my cat is the happiest. She has a lap to lay on and company all day.
I am going to enjoy the day!!
For years, I have not been able to show emotion in therapy. I always wondered how some people could get in touch with their emotions so easily.
Yesterday, was the first time that I got in touch with all of the hurt and pain from the past. It sucked! Apparently, in therapy, feeling like crap is a good thing. My therapist even commented that we have moved to the next stage in recovery and that this wonderful feeling is going to last a while.
Really!!!! Isn’t there an easier way? No, not really. I just hope that I am strong enough to get through this next “stage”.
My treatment team wants me to get our more. So I chose to go back to school and do something that I always wanted to do. Dance. At first, things were going well. I felt like finally I had made the right choice. Maybe I could even get a job teaching dance if I had my degree.
Then , the rug was pulled out from under me. I found out that someone who is such an integral part of my life was not going to be in my life much longer.
I tried to go on as usual. Go to school, my dance class, and even some activities with my local NAMI office. I have been pushing through. Now I feel like I am climbing a mountain without any experience.
Thoughts of self-harm have returned. I cannot just replace the person that I am losing. This curve ball may just be to much for me to handle. I wonder about what I am going to do and how I am going to do it.
Grief is something that I am not good at. Right now, I am trying to push through. Yet, each day I feel worse. I cannot stop time, yet I feel like I cannot go on. Even in dance all I think about is how life is not going to be the same. I am not ready to let go.
My body is not doing what I think it should. It is hard having the background that I do and then going intone room full of mirrors where I need to look at myself. I am trying to look at it as a challenge, yet it is hard to do.
It is easier to find all of the things that are wrong or remember what was said. There are times when it is impossible to get out from the messages of the past. They figuratively and literally weigh me down.
I just want to go home and skip my afternoon class. That would be wrong. I am just not sure I can get through it today. On a good day it is hard to get through and today is not good. But, I am a rule followerer. I will go to class and be miserable. Then I will be able to go home and have some time to myself. Maybe I need to do some art today or journal without second guessing myself.
Time to go!! Wish me luck for the rest of the afternoon.
What did I do to myself this week? Because of my symptoms, I limit the number of activities I do in a day. I cannot mentally or physical calmly just keep going from one place to another.
I just looked at my planner and realized that for the next three days, I am constantly on the go. I am looking forward to trying to take a break between some of them.
Then there is therapy. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. My assignment this week seems impossible. How can one person replace or help out the same way as another person. Especially when the two are polar opposites.
One thing at a time!!
It seems like only yesterday that my kids were little. They wanted me to get them lunch, read them stories, check for monsters under the bed, and help them out. Sometimes there were nightmares at night or a drink of water. All I seemed to hear was mom.
Last year was hard. Due to my mental illness, I almost lost having weekends with my kids. Over the year, they grew and matured and I was not there for it.
I am happy to say that today I see my kids again. They have grown so much and can do almost everything on their own. For the most part, they do not need any help. They even entertain themselves. I need to get used to this. At least they still want a hug goodnight. Just not a story.
I know that one day, not to long from now, they will be able to decide if they want to see me. They will be driving and going off on their own. That is scary!! I can only hope that the bond that I have with them is strong enough to push through and stand the test of time.
Today, I just cannot seem to get myself together. At least I ran some errands that I needed to. In some ways I feel as if I am just pushing myself to hard. With my fibromyalgia, my body can only handle so much before all I want to is sleep.
With the PTSD, I am trying to work on getting out of the house and always having to do things the “right” way.
Right now, I am feeling like a failure. Why do I want to do things, yet my body and mind seem to fight me. I used to be able to push through. Not anymore. It seems to all catch up with me way to quickly.