Losing an Important Person **May Trigger**

This past week, I learned that someone that has been a important part of life is no longer going to be there. I understand the reasons why and that it is better for them.

The other part is that I feel like I will not find another person in my life to support me in the same way. This person just “gets” me in a way most people do not. They have become the person that I can confide in without even a second thought. Without them, I am scared that I will start self-harming. My eating disorder impulses are already stronger.

It is up to me to stay strong through all of this and not make bad choices that will result in me going to the hospital. Plus, if I go into the hospital , then my ex could try to take my kids away again and I do not want that to happen.

Snow, snow, go away

I like snow. It is pretty and makes a beautiful picturesque world. The thing that could cannot stand is that school is cancelled. I really wanted to have class today. 

Keeping to a routine is important for me. Today just puts a wrinkle in my routine. Luckily, I have work that I can do at home for class and can take some extra time to maybe start on the cleaning for this weekend.

Valentine’s Weekend

I am lucky. I have a husband who is thoughtful and generous on Valentine’s Day. He is also supportive of me through all of my crazy ideas.

Even though I have arthritis, fibromyalgia, and a slew of other physical ailments, he still supports me wanting to get a degree in dance. 

Just two months ago the only time that I left my house was to go to a therapy appointment or to go to my dance class that is less than a 5 minute drive from home.

Because of his support, I am going to school, have gotten active again in a local nonprofit, and am thinking of the future(more than 2 days from now).

This Sunday may just be a day on the calendar, yet it represents an attitude from someone in my life who is encouraging and loving.

Even if there is not anyone there this weekend. Please love and respect yourself. Maybe do something that you like to do.

Cold is not Cool

Today is another cold day around here. My bones and energy levels know it. Well, maybe everything is not the cold.

I have fibromyalgia and am trying to take 3 dance classes a week. My mind wants to take them and more. My body is another story. I slept all day yesterday because I was just plain exhausted.

Then there is class. I get stressed because I do not think I am doing the right things. Because I am so worried about that, I miss questions and instructions. Not to mention just leaving the house causes me to panic. 

I am going to keep trying to get through this one day at a time.

Another Week

My second week of class starts today. In some ways I am glad that I am getting out of the house and getting out of my comfort zone.

I still do not feel comfortable around all of the people on campus. I get to school early to mentally prepare myself to go into class. I have also been having problems sleeping lately .

One step at a time. At least that is what I tell myself.

At Least I Tried

For the past two years I have been in and out of the hospital. Recently, I have started to try a few new things. Today, I auditioned for my school’s dance team. Jus getting up and out the door was a huge accomplishment.

Unfortunately, I did not make the team. 13 people auditioned and 10 made it onto the team. I am still going to pursue the dance degree that is not tied to performing. It is something that I have always wanted to do. Who knows? Maybe I will try again to make the team in the fall. Then again, I like being able to take a dance class and learn about the body in relation to dance.

  

A Long Year

I have not written is quite a while. The last year has been crazy. I went through a huge battle to continue visitation with my kids.

It all started last January when I went into the hospital. My ex decided that it would be a good time to try to take my kids away from me. After court, lawyers, and over half of the year, we finally sat down and made an agreement. Last weekend was the second weekend that I was able to see my children overnight. 

They have grown so much and I feel like time has flown by. They are no longer dependent on me for everything and do their own thing most of the time. I am lucky though. They still like to cuddle and watch a movie or on a rare occasion they ask me for help.

As far as my PTSD. I tried to go back to work. I actually got a job, yet those inner thoughts of incompetence and worthlessness consumed me. Soon, I could not focus at work and was having a hard time even doing the little things without feeling frustrated.

Eventually, I stopped working. I want to work, yet there are so many issues from the past that are affecting today. It is going to take time to work through all of them.