Nightmares, flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, self-harms, thoughts of suicide. Those are only some of the symptoms I am experiencing right now.
I wish that I could say that I was further along in my treatment. That I am great at using all of the coping skills I have learned over the years. Yet, I cannot do that. I still struggle. Somehow the past is right there and I cannot get away from it.
Going through years of abuse only ingrained keeping secrets. I know that I have a treatment team that I can turn too, yet I feel like I am bothering them. Messages from the past get immeshed in what is going on in the present. On one hand I know that I need to talk, on the other I cannot talk out of fear.
Today, I finally get to go back to dance. Maybe for a little while I can quiet down what is going on in my head. The studio is one place that I feel safe.