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This past week was the last appointment with my psychiatrist. A relationship with a doctor is important with how I will do with my recovery.

I have PTSD. This is from years of abuse by my parents. I was isolated as a kid and even as a teenager. I did not trust many people then and that has continued into adulthood. Until this past doctor, I did not stay with many doctors. They had assumed to many things.

I am not sure that I have the strength to get to know and trust someone else. Suicide has been on the table again lately. I hate living everyday in emotional pain. The black hole it creates is horrible. 

My therapist thinks that it is good that I am feeling. Why feel when all it brings is hurt? All I want to do is disappear. Doing what needs to be done has become a chore yet again. 

It has been suggested that I go back into the hospital. Part of me knows that I need too. I need the support that the hospital can provide. The negative side is that I would have to battle my ex again for my kids. My kids would be affected. Who do I think of first right now? My kids are so important to me, yet my mind is in such a bad place.

I just want to tell my professor that I do not feel well today. I want to go home and try to just get to therapy tomorrow. Maybe that will help. At least I am hoping it will. The reality is that I most likely need more than an hour to deal with what is going on. The hole is to great right now.

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