This past week was the last appointment with my psychiatrist. A relationship with a doctor is important with how I will do with my recovery.

I have PTSD. This is from years of abuse by my parents. I was isolated as a kid and even as a teenager. I did not trust many people then and that has continued into adulthood. Until this past doctor, I did not stay with many doctors. They had assumed to many things.

I am not sure that I have the strength to get to know and trust someone else. Suicide has been on the table again lately. I hate living everyday in emotional pain. The black hole it creates is horrible. 

My therapist thinks that it is good that I am feeling. Why feel when all it brings is hurt? All I want to do is disappear. Doing what needs to be done has become a chore yet again. 

It has been suggested that I go back into the hospital. Part of me knows that I need too. I need the support that the hospital can provide. The negative side is that I would have to battle my ex again for my kids. My kids would be affected. Who do I think of first right now? My kids are so important to me, yet my mind is in such a bad place.

I just want to tell my professor that I do not feel well today. I want to go home and try to just get to therapy tomorrow. Maybe that will help. At least I am hoping it will. The reality is that I most likely need more than an hour to deal with what is going on. The hole is to great right now.


6 thoughts on “The Bottom Has Fallen Out ##MAY TRIGGER##

  1. I know you hear this from like: Everyone, right? But it still helps to remind; how you are of NO GOOD AT ALL to your kiddos if you are all twisted up. I know exactly how you feel about the shrink and trust – as you may recall, I have written about the same type of issues. Trust is possible. With anybody, not just your shrink. Maybe I am out of line for saying this, and if so, I am sorry – you know I am in your corner – but I feel like maybe you are too expectant of your own “progression” in some ways. If you need to go to the hospital by all means, GO.
    Just know that one day your children will appreciate and understand the reasons why you are so low right now, they are affected in many ways by many people, and by positives also. You have the tendency to ride yourself super hard, girl…honor your breath, however you need to do it.

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