Tags

, , , , ,

My ex lives in ahuge house an hour away from me. There is a pool, a swing set, a trampoline, go carts, video games, and all of the other things that kids and teens love.

Last night, my daughter told me that she wanted to come and stay with me this summer. I was shocked that she said that. According to my ex, this will pass. She is only mad at him. I am not so sure about that.

My oldest still thinks about hurting himself. Over the past few times that my kids have stayed, I have noticed my daughter eating less and less. I brought it up to her the other night. She gave me all of the typical excuses. Then I said that it was not about the food, I wanted to know what was going on to make her so upset. She had a look of surprise on her face. She told me that she would talk to me the next time that she came over. 

All of this and I am struggling with thoughts of self-harm. My eating disorder is back and I am trying to use all of my skills. As this is going on, I do not have a psychiatrist until July. My therapist is trying, yet there is only so much that can go on in an hour.

Yesterday, I went to journal a little. I started out thinking that it would just be a couple of lines. It wound up being 6 pages. Then, last night, I saw a picture on someone’s media page from middle school. It brought back the constant days of being bullied by the other students and then going home to an unhealthy house.

It seems like the bullies and abusers can forget what they did. They go on with life and do not look back. On the other side, it is like yesterday for me. The flashbacks and body memories are there. Maybe my abusers really do not remember. Their actions did not hurt or impact them. They said the words or gave the beating and it was over. 

Sometimes, I wish that I could just forget, yet I cannot. Now, I have two kids who need me to be there for them as they go through their own struggles. At least I know that I can be there for them. At least I know they have someone to turn too. The worst thing is feeling alone and isolated.

Advertisements