Last therapy session I really got on my therapist. I will go off topic again if I can every time an uncomfortable subject comes up. It is not concious, yet thinking back to the session, I know that I have done it. At this point, it frustrates me.

When I was a teen and people were asking me questions, avoiding was a way of survival. I was so scared that I would make a mistake and talk. What would happen if my abusers found out? Life was all about making excuses and making sure that no one knew the real truth about what was going on.

Fast forward to today. My parts still feel like we are going to get in trouble for talking. Like my abuser will somehow magically know what is going on. Yet I need to talk. I need to go through all of the events from the past that are still weighing me down and causing my symptoms to be high.

I know therapy is not easy. I have asked my therapist to push. To not let things get off topic. I am tired of walking out of therapy being disappointed that once again I did not share what I went in to talk about.

This means facing my demons head on and not being able to hide. I need to do this. I want to try to get a little better, yet my brain fights getting well. The memories are pure hell. Sometimes I would rather be physically injured then have to talk about what went on behind closed doors.

I have asked and we shall see how today goes. There is a topic that has been floating out there for a while. Today, it needs to begin to be discussed. 

2 thoughts on “Why Did I Ask Again?

  1. I can totally relate to the fear of talking. It’s hard, but you can do it. For me,(and it took a long time) I realized that the more I stayed silent, the more I was protecting my perpetrators, and I something did happen to me then it would make them look as guilty as they were. I still have lots of fear, but I keep reminding myself that ever since I started talking no one has hurt us. Good luck today! Alexis

  2. Just remember you’re safe now and talk away. Even if you have to tell yourself that every 5 minutes, do it until your body and mind believes you. This is a way of reprogramming your brain so it realizes you really are safe now. Good luck.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s