My divorce was final years ago. There was an agreement that spelled out drop offs and pick-ups, holidays, and support for the kids.
Years later nothing has ended. Because of the symptoms and impact of them, I cannot hold down a job. My ex tells me every time he can how lazy that I am and how I do not provide for the kids.
This week is really bad. He has gotten on me about child support recently. I have always paid when I get my check. Now, he insists that he get it earlier and has commented that I am not paying my bills like I should.
Then there are the comments that those that live with my kids make. That I am not a good mother. That they would be better off not visiting me. That I am lazy. That I am trash.
I can only take so much. I am struggling to just stay safe right now and this is not helping. This has to stop. Why can’t he just get in with his life. Instead it seems as if he wants to go back to court every year. All that I can do is continue to fight for what is right for the kids and be there for them as much as possible.
I have three children that I stayed home with until my divorce. At the time, my relationship was unhealthy and the only place to go was back to my abuser’s house. There was not room for my kids there and if there were, I would not want them around them.
Long story short, my ex’s family has money and had a great attorney. One of the best in our state. He got physical custody of the children. I would see them every third weekend. It was and still is a crappy arrangement, yet after last year when he tried to take the kids away all together it is better than what it could have been.
Having a mental illness made the fight for my kids so much harder. My doctor and hospital records were summond. I was exposed more than I have ever been. My kids had a psychiatrist appointed to them.
My kids saved my visits. They were old enough that the court would listen to what they wanted. They all stated that they wanted more time with me. That made me feel great. We even had a few counseling sessions together where they were able to ask questions about what I have.
Today, I see my kids. Yet that could all change if I have to go back into the hospital. When I am struggling, I know that I need to get through it because I am afraid to lose my kids and go through not seeing them again.
Today is crazy and tomorrow is not much better. I have therapy today, then I have my son’s concert and dance practice. Tomorrow, I have a meeting at my daughter’s school and class. All of these events occur at least an hour away from each other.
I am mentally and physically exhausted. This weekend is Mother’s Day. The boys have baseball all day on Saturday. It would not be that bad if it were local, but I have to travel to where they live. I need to remember everything. There is no going back to pick something up.
My body and mind are begging for a day off. Good luck with that. Even therapy seems like it is so off right now. Losing my psychiatrist was such a huge event. She was one of those people who loved her job and was creative with how she treated people. She genuinely cared about what was said in the session. On the other hand. My therapist is laid back and sometimes gets to into therapy mode.
Sometimes I do not want to hear about coping skills or how far I have come. This is so true on days like today when I feel like crap. I just want to have a therapeutic conversation. Yet, I know he will not ask questions or put me on the spot. That is what I need right now.
I am doing the local NAMI walk for the first time this year. My goal was $50. I thought that people would donate $5. I had donated to other people fundraisers before.
Boy, was I wrong. Apparently, mental health is like the plague. I am not sure if people think it is a choice or that they will catch it, but they want to get as far away as possible.
Things always change when someone around them is diagnosed or even worse they turn their backs on that person. Maybe, I will not raise the money, yet I am still going to walk. The walk means so much to me. NAMI has given me a way for me to tell my story.
I am also walking for all of those who lost their battle with mental illness and those who count on the support groups for assistance. Change is always slow!! One day this will be accepted. For now, I can accept those around me and support them.
I know that I always write about one thing at a time. That is hard today. I am assisting with a dance concert, I need to get a paper completed, I have to write a structure for an improve solo, and I am supposed to go to the store. There are not enough hours in the day.
Then I looked at my calendar for this week and see school, kids concerts, meetings for the kids for next year, and other appointments.
One if the meetings is during my class time. I hate missing class! I always want to be there and go even if I am sick. I need to be at this meeting for my daughter, yet I also feel that I am doing something wrong by missing class.
Today, I am going to have to calm down and just get as much completed as I possibly can. At least I have been able to deal with all of the anger and frustration this week and stay safe.
Staying safe was a huge concern after therapy on Tuesday. I really thought that I would need to go into the hospital. It has taken a lot of work to stay out. Thanks to coping skills and support I have almost made it to my next appointment.