How Can This Be?

Things are just getting worse. One of my kids has chosen to stay with me. At first, my ex told her not to come back. That she was to stay here and could not change her mind.

Now, he wants her for his holiday. She does not want to go, yet I cannot violate the agreement.

On top of everything, I have to keep myself together. If I go into the hospital then it will be a battle to even see the kids all over again. 

There is such a double standard. He takes vacations on my weekends and schedules activities for the kids on my weekends, yet if I need to change a weekend, I am being a bad parent. There is no change to the schedule allowed for me.

Even having my daughter this summer. He is not sending anything with her. I am responsible for all of her needs. She is not allowed to bring anything with her.

It is just so frustrating not being able to plan anything or knowing what is going on. I am just so tired of the mind games and the fact that he seems to do whatever he wants.

The only light at the end of the tunnel is that one day they will all be 18 and be able to make their own choices. Maybe then I can finally breath. Maybe then, I can do things without always watching over my shoulder for the next disaster.

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Confused

I am not sure what to do about my child who has chosen to live with me this summer. My ex said some pretty mean things to her and she does not feel like she can even talk to him. She thinks that he does not want her.

On one hand I cannot know exactly what she is feeling. On the other hand my mom told me that she wished that I never existed and my father often said that he could not stand the sight of me. 

Whoever said that words do not hurt is so wrong. For me, they have stuck with me. They often keep repeating over and over in my head until I feel awful about myself. I do not want my daughter to experience that, yet I think it is to late. 

Once said words cannot be taken back. Even then, sorry only eases the pain. I hope her and her dad can repair this and somehow move on to at least get along. 

Right now there is an email out to her therapist. I see my therapist today. Yesterday, I made sure that she had somewhere to write down all of her thoughts. Maybe that will help a little.

I know that it hurts when your parents do not want you. It makes you question everyone else around you and whether they really like you. For me, my self-esteem was permanently affected. I am trying to do the best that I can for her right now. 

Getting Closer

I am supposed to start with a new psychiatrist next month. I have never met him. He came recommended by my previous psychiatrist. This Friday, I am supposed to call to open a chart.

Along with the new psychiatrist is the holiday. We are invited to a party every year. It should be fun and it will be good to see everyone.

Before I know it, the kids will be here for the week and my husband and I will be going on vacation. There are practices to get to and a plane ride to go on. There are also some amazing places to explore and memories to make.

To Young to Choose

None of my kids are 18. They would love to be some days, especially when they want to do what they think is the right choice for them. 

Being one of the only divorced kids in school is hard for them. They do not feel like everyone else. Sometimes they need to make decisions based on which house they are going to be at. Life is hard enough. My ex seems to be making it harder for them.

He often schedules trips or goes places while they are not there. They feel sad and left out. Then they feel like they made the wrong choice. I cannot stop what he is doing. The only thing that I can do is to be supportive and not make them feel any worse then they already do.

I have a feeling as they get older, the choices are also going to get harder. I just need to be here for them and accept what they decide. I also need to try and not take it personally.

Different

One of my children shared with me last night that my ex and his family think that I am crazy. I could have been upset, yet I was not. I said a line straight out of Alice in Wonderland. That all of the best people are mad.

I may have PTSD, depression, and eating disorder and other illnesses. Those things have only made me stronger. I went through hell when I was young. I am going to make sure that my kids do not have the same experience. 

Maybe being different is not so bad. I am more sensitive and empathetic because of everything. I am more aware of other people and the struggles that they may be going through. So maybe I am different. I think maybe that is just fine!

They Are Not Little Anymore

My oldest is going into high school next year. Because of all of my hospitalizations for my mental illness and eating disorder, I have missed a lot of time. 

I am trying to see my kids as much as I can since this is the first year that I have been out of the hospital for a year. Even though I have still many bad days, I am trying to use coping skills so I do not have to go back to court to fight for them.

My oldest has not wanted to see me for over a month. It is hard and I am trying to take it one day at a time and be as accepting as I can be. 

My other children still want to come over for now. I am taking one visit at a time, knowing that at any time they to could stop wanting to come over. 

Hopefully, by giving him his space he will one day want to come over again. I still text him and talk to him. I will always be here for him and he knows that.

Almost Here

My psychiatrist left moths ago for a new job. I was given enough refills to last until a new doctor could start. That doctor is supposed to start at the beginning of next month. I am worried about timing.

The kids are coming the beginning of next month. Then there is the fact that I am supposed to be going away with my husband. I am hoping that the doctor can see me before we go away, yet I am worried. My prescriptions are running out.

I love my kids. It is such a huge change from not seeing them to having them for almost two weeks. I am worried about how they are going to be and if they will have a good time.

Hopefully, I will start to feel a little less depressed soon. I am also having a lot of trouble sleeping and issues with eating. I am being as honest and open as possible with my therapist, yet an hour a week just is not enough. 

Summer Break

As a kid I hated summer vacation. It is not to great as an adult either. I am looking forward to starting at a new college in the fall. The program I have chosen is one that will help people. There are no classes for me this summer and I am having a hard time with that.

Dance is over until August. I got used to having class at the college too. I am trying to figure out how to replace it.

The good side it that I get to spend time with the kids. I am not sure right now how many will come to stay. I am hoping all of them will, yet my oldest has been so distant.

Therapy is continuing as usual. I do need to start seeing a new psychiatrist. I am worried that I will not be able to get an appointment before my meds run out. I miss my psychiatrist, yet I have to continue to move forward with my treatment. 

I guess after writing this post I am busier and have more to do than I thought. For this week, I have a break. Maybe I should just enjoy the quiet time while I have it.

A Rough Day

Today is yet another holiday. I will not see my kids today and my husband cannot see his step-children today. Hopefully, we will be able to see them next weekend.

Holiday’s are rough. Sometimes I see the kids, others I miss. Then there are my parents. I have not spoken to them in years. It is hard not to have them in my life, yet it seems for the best. 

Today, is another show day for dance. I thought that going back to the same studio would give me some sense  of friendship, yet it has only led to more loneliness. I am just awkward at social situations. I am at a loss for what to say and feel like I need to sensor every word.

Two people were talking about depression medication yesterday. Maybe they did not realize or did not care that I was also on meds. I guess that I am different. They look at themselves as strong. They have not been in the hospital. I have been in the hospital a number of times. I feel so different.

18

Sometimes I just want all of my children to be 18. They could make their own choices about who they want to see and where they would want to stay. Hopefully, they would be less influenced by negative things that are said about people.

I want to be there for all of the graduations, dances, field trips, and games. I would love to be there to pick out dresses with my daughter for school dances or be there when the kids go on their first date. That is most likely not going to happen. I live to far away to just go and be there. There is no way I could move closer to them. Financially, it is not possible.

It is getting harder and  harder to see other parents who always have their kids or who do not have an ex that would try to take a parent out of their kids lives. It is hard to see the everyday moments when I do not have them.

I try to look on the bright side. After fighting for months, I did not lose my kids. I still get to see them and spend some time with them.