Letting Go

My daughter was with me from the end of June until yesterday. She went back with her father. She wanted to see her brothers and the rest of her family that lives with them.

I miss her smile and laughter already. Driving home, I became scared that he would try to take the children away from me again. That I would not see them for months on end. 

Last night, she would not speak with me. I hope that today she does. I hope that she comes for her visit next weekend and that I will get to see her. I miss her brothers too. They always have stories to tell about what they have been up too. 

It was not easy to let her go. I cautioned her that it may not be easy at home for her. She was getting physically ill from all of the stress. It was great to see her light up when her father said that she could come back.

As the kids get older, they are going to want to make more choices for themselves. All I can do is be there for them. That is something that I did not have and needed so badly growing up. 

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Nonexistent

My daughter came to stay with me this summer after her father told her to do what she wanted. I agreed to take her for as long as she wanted to be at my house. Recently, she has started to miss her brothers and the rest of that side of her family.

She told my ex that she wanted to come back home this week. That she missed seeing everyone and wanted to spend time with them. She is under 13. She is not 16 or 18 and can make decisions and realize the long term consequences. She makes choices using her heart.

He will not let her come back home. He has full physical custody. I only have visitation. I did not realize that it was ok to choose to not let her return. He told me that she has to have a “life lesson.” In what, rejection. That is what she feels. 

Since all of this has happened she has been anxious and her appetite has tanked. I am at a loss. I do not understand how if you love your child you can tell them that you do not want them. 

As a parent who has visitation, if I do not take them when I have scheduled visitation, I can lose my visitation. There is no recourse for him. Even a lawyer stated that he can do this. I am baffled. Really? You can just emotionally stab your child and it is ok? That is scary!! What is wrong with our courts and looking out for a child’s best emotional as well as physical interest? 

Time Out

I need to call a time out. At least two days where I can just journal, draw, and get myself together. Two days where I do not check my phone or text anyone. Two days away from Facebook and all of the stories on there.

I am worried that if I do not get a time out; that the doctor is going to make me have a time out in the hospital. That would be for more than two days and negatively impact things that I was supposed to start in the fall.

I know I need to use my skills and I am trying. I am breathing and being mindful of my surroundings. I am trying to scale my emotions up and down. Sometimes it is just not working. It feels like I am going against the current. 

What is Best for Me?

I love my kids. They mean so much to me. Last year, I fought to get them back and be able to visit with them again. It is nice to be able to visit, explore, and share memories with each other.

This summer, my daughter has chosen to live with me. She is great. She helps around the house, makes jokes, helps with dinner, and loves life. She has opened my eyes up to things I have not seen.

As much as I love having her with me, I also need a break. My anxiety is sky high and even the smallest things are setting off my anxiety. Last night, she told her dad that she wanted to go back to his house for a while. He told her no. She became stressed and he explained to me that this is a life lesson. I guess the lesson is really whether a child will choose him or I. I am obviously the wrong choice.

So, at this point, she will continue to stay with me. I guess that means that I have to put up the front that I am ok. That I am not ready to melt down every minute of the day. There is not a place to do art or really to journal. I do not have an outlet at the moment. 

I am scared of meeting with my new doctor next week. Will he want to put me inpatient just to keep me from doing anything stupid to myself? 

Tomorrow is another day of running all over the place and of having to put up the front that I am ok. I have to look and act like everyone else. My dilemma is do I put myself first or keep up with what I have been doing? Do I insist that he take her back and then how will he treat her?

Every choice has a consequence. It seems like none of the choices in front of me are ones that will end well!

Bad Times

One of my kids cannot seem to decide between living with me or her dad at this point. I really need to see my psychiatrist and my therapist, although I do not know how much either one of them is going to help.

I am overeating and know that I should not be. I just do not seem to be able to stop right now. Hopefully, I can get to the gym tomorrow and start on some routine slowly. 

There was not a time to work on personal issues this past week or to work on my marriage. My child seems to be using my house as a refuge and I do not know what to do about that. 

To top it all off, I am supposed to start school in a month and I am not physically or mentally prepared. There does not seem to be enough time in the day to do anything. 

Over Stimulated

Recently, I have been away from home. On the bright side, I do not have to cook or worry about chores around the house. On the other hand, I have people around me who want to do things when all I want to do is relax.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown in the middle if a major city. All I wanted was to be at home with my cat sitting on the couch and watching a movie. That did not happen. I was ready to call 911. Things around me were just spinning and I was getting tunnel vision. I wanted to run, yet there was nowhere to escape too. 


It was supposed to be my wedding anniversary. I was supposed to be enjoying our time together. Instead panic and anxiety took over. Luckily, I have a patient husband and he waited it out. He put up with my meltdown right out in the middle of the town. 

When I get back, there will be bills and getting ready for my class. At least that is normal everyday stuff. Most of it I can even do from my phone or computer!! At least I will be able to see my therapist and finally meet my new psychiatrist.

On Edge

I have actually been able to get the kids to all of their activities over the past 11 days. It has been nice to have them.

I also did some self care by making sure I have an appointment wth my new doctor. The other item I checked off was confirming my dance registration for next year. Dance is better than therapy for me. It is just me and the music. I can actually just be in the moment. There is no looking over my shoulder for what is coming next.

I am looking forward to getting my textbooks and school supplies, although I am nervous about being able to handle the classes. One thing at a time. 

If the rest of the summer works out, I should see the kids a few more times. It is a toss up whether my oldest will choose to come. I cannot believe sometimes that they are this old.

Big Decisions

I wonder is I am making the right choice. One of my children is being treated differently than the others by my ex. She has told me that she does not feel wanted and that her father always says that she is not good enough.

She is staying with me for the summer. He has only seen her for three days during the entire time that she has been with me.

I want to pursue having her for the school year. Is that the best choice? It would separate her from her brothers, yet she could live without the constant stress at home. Should I pursue trying to get her. The cost is going to be high for what might very well be a losing battle.

A New Start

My psychiatrist changed jobs in April. I have not had a psychiatrist since then. It has been hard. I know I need a medication ajustment and have been struggling. 

My new psychiatrist just called me the other day to let me know that he had started. I have to go through a bunch of steps for the insurance.

I do not know how I feel about starting over again. Having to tell everything again and having to establish a treatment relationship. It is so hard for me to trust anyone. The only reason I even halfway trust him is because he was recommended by my former psychiatrist.

I just wonder if he is going to understand. If he is going to be supportive and if he is going to put me in my place when I tend to go off with a topic.

It is scary. At least I have a doctor now. I have someone who can maybe do something about how bad I have been feeling.

Finally, a Slower Day😊

Running the kids to activities has been exhausting. An hour drive to one activity and back, just to leave for another.

Today, we were able to do a family activity and celebrate a special day with one of the kids. Finally, a dinner together where we are not rushing. Time to be able to catch up on how everyone is doing.

After dinner, there will be cake and ice cream. Maybe a show or a movie. I am just glad to have a slow day.

Tomorrow is crazy. I feel like I am double booked. Somehow, I will get through it and be glad at the end of the day that I did.

I fought so hard to get my kids back. It is worth it every time I watch them with their friends, playing sports, get a hug, or be able to tell them good night. I am lucky to still have those moments and make memories with them.