I love my kids. They mean so much to me. Last year, I fought to get them back and be able to visit with them again. It is nice to be able to visit, explore, and share memories with each other.
This summer, my daughter has chosen to live with me. She is great. She helps around the house, makes jokes, helps with dinner, and loves life. She has opened my eyes up to things I have not seen.
As much as I love having her with me, I also need a break. My anxiety is sky high and even the smallest things are setting off my anxiety. Last night, she told her dad that she wanted to go back to his house for a while. He told her no. She became stressed and he explained to me that this is a life lesson. I guess the lesson is really whether a child will choose him or I. I am obviously the wrong choice.
So, at this point, she will continue to stay with me. I guess that means that I have to put up the front that I am ok. That I am not ready to melt down every minute of the day. There is not a place to do art or really to journal. I do not have an outlet at the moment.
I am scared of meeting with my new doctor next week. Will he want to put me inpatient just to keep me from doing anything stupid to myself?
Tomorrow is another day of running all over the place and of having to put up the front that I am ok. I have to look and act like everyone else. My dilemma is do I put myself first or keep up with what I have been doing? Do I insist that he take her back and then how will he treat her?
Every choice has a consequence. It seems like none of the choices in front of me are ones that will end well!