A Train Wreck **May Trigger**

My ex told my daughter that she could just get out of the house. That she would not be able to see her friends or go on vacation with them. She was sent without anything but a shirt, shorts, and sandals.

I have PTSD and other mental illnesses. Last year he was trying to take my kids from me and this year he has decided that my daughter is going to stay here. 

I made an appointment with someone for her to talk to. That person seemed to be more worried about my mental illness than what had happened to my daughter. She seemed to think that they just need to talk it through.

I know that my daughter is not me and that what is happening is different, yet she still feels that her dad does not want her. My experience has been that once a parent states that they do not want you, that you are not the same again. 

I told her therapist that I believe if she goes back to her dad’s for any amount of time that she is going to wind up with a lot of problems. That things cannot go in reverse. That any further issues should be limited so that she has the best life possible with the least amount of stress.

Instead I was basically written off and told that her dad is better for her. Of course he lives in the huge house and has money. He is the more politically correct one! I am not sure that makes him a better choice for her to be with. 

Her opinion does not matter. I am so scared for her. Scared that she is gong to be hurt. I was told he did nothing wrong. That she had my home to come too. I am her mom not a place marker. I do not want to see her in the same boat as me years from now.

Why is someone who is in a position to do something not standing up for her? I have to at least try to make her life as good as it can be and I will do all that I can to make it so. I will stop the wreck any way that I can.

Over the Edge

Last night was crazy. Burned food, anxiety through the roof, feeling like I was trapped and had nowhere to go. 

PTSD and anxiety are silent. Always lurking around every corner. Who knows what or when the symptoms will come on or how long they will last. 

Today, I am still feeling it. My stomach is hurting and I can feel that my reactions are shorter than normal. I feel like one more thing and that all so delicate string is going to snap. I do not want that to happen, yet I am scared.

The reality is that I have a hectic week. That there are more stressors than normal and less help than I normally would have. One thing at a time. Maybe that will work. 

Right now, I just wish my anxiety would calm down and take a break. Instead, my IBS is so bad and I am taking meds to try and relieve the symptoms. Last night, I was able to get 3 hours of sleep. Tonight I hope to get a little more. 

Hard Conversations

As I have written over the past few weeks, my ex has let one of my kids choose to live with me for the summer. For him, that means telling that child what he/she is missing everyday and reminding that child of how good it is at his house.

For now, at least my child has someone to talk to. I will love him/her no matter where he/she chooses to live. Last night was really hard. There was a lot of crying and feeling guilty involved. He/she is afraid of making the wrong choice and upsetting someone else or upsetting themselves. There is not a right or a wrong choice. 

Being young can be so hard. I know. My mom decided to not do anything for my 11th birthday. Not even to acknowledge the day. I know what it is like to feel like you have shattered and cannot break anymore just to have something else break you even more. 

That is not what I want to happen in this situation. It is so hard to go through this because the flashbacks for me are terrible, yet I need to be there and be strong. That is all that I can do.

Symptoms Suck!!!

Having PTSD can really stop life in its tracks at times. The flashbacks can be debilitating. Not only do I vividly experience what went on with me, but I am also going through it with my kids. 

Then there is trying to do anything. There is a sports event this weekend with a lot of people and noise. All I want to do is run away and never come back. Yet, somehow I have to be here and try to use my coping skills to get through the day.

Sometimes, I feel like things are just getting worse. Like I cannot cope any longer. Then I remember my kids and the fact that I have to fight for them and use every skill that I have for them.

All of the crap I went through as a kid taught me what not to do as a parent. It just seems that every stage the kids go through, more stuff comes up.

Can I Have More Time in the Day?

Doctors, sports, and other appointments have me going in circles. I feel like I just get done one thing and I am off to another. Yesterday, it took me an hour and a half to get home from one event. Then I had to be up early this morning.

I have not had time to journal or to work on myself. That is catching up with me. The stress is causing my body to hurt. I know that my temper is getting short.

Next week is horrible. I do not know how I am even going to get myself and the kids to everything. Some days there does not even see to be time to eat. 

My doctor is worried about me and I am worried that I am not being a good enough parent.My ex is just cruel saying that I need to learn to be a parent. That I do not know what it is like. Even though these statements are untrue they hurt. They really hurt when I know that he has said them to the kids.

Time is not on my side this week, yet I am going to try and do my best and enjoy every minute that I have with the kids.

A Huge Argument

Last night I got into a big argument with my ex. He seems to schedule the activities anytime that I want to take them without asking me about it. 

He said things last night like that I needed to learn how to be a parent and grow up. That therapy was not needed and that I can work, I am just choosing not too.

Because of my PTSD and depression I cannot work. If I am such a bad parent then why are my kids even with me after he did everything that he could to try to take them away last year.

He can say whatever lies he wants to his wife and family. It is not ok to say these things to my kids. I am tired of being mentally attacked by him. If it was by on the phone, it would have been in a text. 

I love my kids. My ex just makes it so hard for me to see them. It just seems like he is not going to ever stop coming after me.

Barely

I had a complete meltdown with my therapist yesterday. With everything going on with my kids and all of the PTSD symptoms that I am having it is just to much. 

I said that I felt like I only had two choices. Work on things or be fine. For years, I did not tell anyone about what had happened to me because it brought up so much stuff. Now that I am talking, my ex has decided to throw a wrench into everything.

I need to realize that I cannot just make plans when I take the kids over the summer. Those weeks are not truly mine. I wish that they were, yet my ex fills them full of activities that take up all of their time. 

There is still a point where I have to put my foot down and say enough. I cannot be in two places at once. No one can. I have to have time to do what I need to do to stay healthy or at least function.

Movies **May Trigger**

The topic of movies was brought up at a party that I was at yesterday. A recently released movie was brought up and the storyline could negatively impact those people who went through a certain experience.

I had to stay quiet. All I could think about was the fact that I have PTSD from childhood trauma. Did they know how many movies depicted child abuse, neglect, and other atrocities. Not only movies that were made years ago, but movies that are made and relaeased today.

What is different about movies from life is that we can choose not to see them. No one is forcing anyone to see a movie that may trigger them. I know that I have to read the movie description or have read the book to know whether or not I will feel comfortable seeing a movie.

I do not know if I will ever see the movie they were discussing. I was not interested in seeing it before then. Movies can be violent and topics can be thrown in your face at the movies. Yet, they are a choice! 

More Rain! Where is the Sun??

My ex has the kids today. They wanted to be with me today. Well at least two of them did. I know that the holidays are split, yet when the kids are not doing anything and the other parent has a family get together for part of the day, it seems like the children should be able to see their family. That is not the case.

My PTSD symptoms are high. All of the explosions and loud noises from fireworks do not help things. My husband ran a fan last night to drown out some of the noise. My anxiety has become so bad that my IBS has flared up. 

Having a mental illness is rough. For me, I want to be well and try to keep pushing. Unfortunately, if I push to much and to long I end up in the hospital.

I am going to try to enjoy the day with my husband. We do not get to much time together due to work, school, and doctors. Today, I am going to try to relax and communicate with people. That is always a challenge. Most of all, if I can, I am going to keep reminding myself that there is nothing out to harm me today!!


Hope everyone out there has a great holiday no matter how you choose to celebrate!

Really???

My ex decided that he wanted my daughter back for the holiday. He stated that it was his holiday and he expected her to be there. I guess I am supposed to be there when he decides that she is to much or needs a break.

Then, I have to give him the weeks that I want them in the summer in the spring. Not only do I need to drive my daughter to practice, but now my son also has practice. That is an hour drive each way two times a day. What if I would have planned something?

Everything seems to revolve around what he wants. I just wish that when I had them I could do what I wanted with them.

Then, the psychiatrist who was supposed to start is not starting when he was supposed to and no one seems to be able to give me a date. I am running out of meds and I need to see a doctor soon. I am scared I am going to wind up inpatient. 

I am not sure how I am going to handle all of the driving, making meals (did I mention I have food issues), cleaning, laundry, and who knows what else. Maybe I am in over my head?