Today is not a good day. I guess I am just mentally exhausted. Flashbacks suck! I am so tired of reliving the past even when I don’t want to. Of hearing and seeing things exactly as they were back then.
Then there are my kids. My oldest has cut off almost all contact with me. The only communication that I even get anymore is a text saying that he is not coming for the weekend.
My youngest who wanted to stay with me and then changed her mind and wanted to go back with her brothers is being treated like she is not even part of the family. She is being told that she does not belong there and the only reason she is there is because I basically forced her back there.
My ex is in the habit of just texting nasty comments to me about not being a parent and that I am not good for the kids.
It is all getting to be to much to take. I am just mentally worn out. Maybe I am overreacting, yet if I am I cannot seem to stop it from happening. I love my kids, yet the reality is that they are getting older and are conflicted about where they want to be and even if they want to visit.
I knew long ago that this day would come. That they would be old enough to decide not to see me. That my ex could get married again. I just hoped that it would be to someone who was kind to all of the kids. That does not seem to be the case.
It is like all of the bad has come true. There is really no way to stop it. Technically, my ex is not doing anything wrong. Even the kids therapist thinks that they are better off with him.
I have a mental illness. That is not going to change. For the time, I cannot function in the workplace. Each day I fear another court case where he tries to take away my visitation.
No, today is not a good day. I am at the bottom of that deep, dark out again. I do not see a way out.