Today. **May Trigger**

Today is not a good day. I guess I am just mentally exhausted. Flashbacks suck! I am so tired of reliving the past even when I don’t want to. Of hearing and seeing things exactly as they were back then. 

Then there are my kids. My oldest has cut off almost all contact with me. The only communication that I even get anymore is a text saying that he is not coming for the weekend. 

My youngest who wanted to stay with me and then changed her mind and wanted to go back with her brothers is being treated like she is not even part of the family. She is being told that she does not belong there and the only reason she is there is because I basically forced her back there.

My ex is in the habit of just texting nasty comments to me about not being a parent and that I am not good for the kids. 

It is all getting to be to much to take. I am just mentally worn out. Maybe I am overreacting, yet if I am I cannot seem to stop it from happening. I love my kids, yet the reality is that they are getting older and are conflicted about where they want to be and even if they want to visit.

I knew long ago that this day would come. That they would be old enough to decide not to see me. That my ex could get married again. I just hoped that it would be to someone who was kind to all of the kids. That does not seem to be the case. 

It is like all of the bad has come true. There is really no way to stop it. Technically, my ex is not doing anything wrong. Even the kids therapist thinks that they are better off with him.

I have a mental illness. That is not going to change. For the time, I cannot function in the workplace. Each day I fear another court case where he tries to take away my visitation.

No, today is not a good day. I am at the bottom of that deep, dark out again. I do not see a way out. 

Is it Payback?

Just to recap. My daughter decided in late June that she wanted to stay with me this summer. A little over a week ago she decided that she missed her brothers and wanted to go back to her dad’s house. He felt that she should be taught a lesson and have to stay. I told him that it was in her best interest to be back there and that he had a legal obligation to allow her to come home.

Today, is supposed to start my visitation weekend. He was supposed to drop the kids off this evening. He informed me yesterday that he was working overtime and wanted to switch, with me picking the kids up today. I told him 2pm and that was working until about an hour ago when I was told that his mother had taken my daughter out of state for the day.

When my ex does not get what he wants he acts like a child and his parents always seem to back him up. My son knew last night that I was coming to get them a 2. I am sure that he could have sent a text to his mother. Funny how she has had all week to do this and picks today. 

I will just have to go over and get the kids later then I planned. I am just so over him constantly doing things to change what we have legally signed. I cannot afford an attorney for every time he violates an agreement. I wish that I could!! 

Not So Bad

I saw my new psychiatrist on Tuesday. He turned out to be a really great listener and seemed to have some ideas that I had not tried before. He put me back on a medication and kept the rest of them the same for right now. There are still some small things that I need to get used too. I guess that comes with the territory.

My kids are coming this weekend. Well 2 out of 3 are coming anyway. My oldest does not want to come here. His father lets him choose and most often he chooses to stay at his dad’s house. He is a teenager and will not really give me a reason except that he wants to be by himself.

The Olympics start this weekend and there are a few events that I like. The opening and closing ceremonies are always great to watch! I also have a new board game that I think my son will want to play. 

It should be a good weekend. Today will be cleaning and generally getting the house ready. One step at a time. I have already done some of the tasks that were on my list. I am also getting some fun reading in before school starts in a few weeks and reading for those classes as well.

I will make sure to keep up with how the weekend is going. Things can always change.

A Scary Day

Today, after almost 4 months, I meet my new psychiatrist. I do not trust people easily and I trusted my past psychiatrist with everything. No topic was off limits. Art work often took up an entire session.

She truly understood all of my diagnoses and was not scared or hesitant to go into the really dark places with me.

I wonder if in time, this psychiatrist will do the same. Will he treat me as an individual. Will he listen to me about medication and those that have not worked for me?

Does he believe that treatment is ongoing and that patients go back and forth as to how much better they feel?

Is my art going to be welcomed into the office? Is he going to realize how much my art means to me and much it expresses what is inside and cannot seem to come out into words?

He is supposed to specialize in trauma. What does that mean? Sure he has been trained in how to handle patients with a trauma based illness and he has completed internships. How many patients has he worked with who have had multiple traumas throughout their lives. Who relive their trauma each day through flashbacks, nightmares, and body memories.

It us going to be a interesting first meeting. I most likely have as many questions for him as he does for me. One thing, I hope that he shows passion for what he does.