Another new treatment team member

I have really bad anxiety. When my PTSD symptoms and my anxiety combine it is all I can do to email my treatment team.

Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist. I have only been with him for a few months. He does not have an email that I can use. The only way you can reach him is by voicemail. I hate the phone. Especially if I am out here in public. I do not need everyone around me know that I am having a hard time managing my symptoms.

For me, this is a deal breaker. To the doctor it is a boundary issue. I have not had a therapist and or psychiatrist who I could not email.

I need to look for a new psychiatrist that knows about trauma and who I can email and form a professional relationship with. I may have to get on a waiting list. That is ok as long as I can be treated.

I know that my former doctor had the best of intentions when she recommended him, yet he is not the right fir for me.

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“You are Doing This” : but at what expense.

Constant panic attacks wash over me in waves. My chest starts to hurt and my hands shake. I cannot even begin to process what is going on around me.

This is week four and my body is screaming at me to stop this. To just give up. I want to push and keep pushing. There is the fact that my mind seems to be like a whiteboard that gets erased after each class. I am scared most of the day that something is going to happen. My OCD gets me to school early enough where I can get the same spot.

That is not including the homework and studying. Last night I had a meltdown when I submitted the wrong file for an asssignment on the computer. I freaked out and all I wanted to do was get away.

As I am sitting here this morning, I do not want to be here with all of the people and the noise. I want to be in the quiet of the house. I want to focus on therapy. I do not even want to go to dance at this point. I just want some time alone.

I am doing this on the outside. On the inside I feel like a thousand piece puzzle just falling apart. I need quiet and some time that I do not have. My long term goal is there, yet can I even reach the small goals in between? 

Another Existance

This morning my son has a sporting event. He lives in an area where the homes go for $800 -$900 thousand dollars. Houses are huge and school budgets seems endless. The roads are repaired, there are horse trails, walking trails, swim clubs, and basically any other type of activity one can imagine. It is hard to come over here for me. I know there are people here who think that I choose to have a mental illness, that I just do not work hard enough. If I really wanted to, I could somehow get better.

Then there is where I live. I actually love my house. My cat is there and there is always the warmth of a candle burning. Our home is relaxing and my neighbors are friendly. Granted, the houses are around  1,000 square feet and sell for around $130 thousand dollars. The schools around me make the dollars that they do have stretch as far as possible. People walk to the local stores and there is always someone who you know who you run into.

Sometimes I wonder if kids who grow up with this much privilege are missing out. They do not necessarily know the reward of helping others. They do not understand other people’s reality because they are sheltered. I wish that there was a way for them to understand. For them to know that life is different and priorities are different for other people. 

Change is slow. Maybe one day, every school here willl adopt another school to share supplies with. Maybe they will adopt a family to give a great holiday too. It is a goal!

How the Physical Affects the Mental

To say that I am stressed is an understatement. My stomach and chest are letting me know that my anxiety is high.

Enter Fibromyalgia. My hands were numb yesterday. Ok, I can deal wth that. Now, my body is just exhausted and my mind is refusing to take anymore in. I wish that I could shut this off but I can’t. I have to go with it. 

I am trying to do my work in small spurts and take breaks when I can. I am prioritizing what needs to be done by due dates and test dates and studying for quizzes that I know will happen this week.

I am exhausted. Sometimes there are some things that cannot be pushed through. The only things that can be done are to adapt and go with what is going on.

I am learning how to deal with some of the memory issues. The anxiety is still high. I found post-it notes to be extremely helpful last night. I think I need to begin to use them more often. Maybe, I will try using them with a chapter I need to read this weekend and see how it goes!

Any suggestions from anyone out there would be helpful!! What do you do to help you remember?

And: There’s More

School, dance, kids, doctor’s appointments, to do’s. it seems like it does not end. Today feels like a day when I am going to go home and crash. There is work I have to do and things to get done, yet my body is letting me know I have pushed it to far.

This morning my fingers are numb and I am sore all over. All my body wants to do is crawl into a corner and rest. In fact, it is screaming it. All of the plans that I have need to be altered, fibromyalgia has said enough.

I knew it was coming when I fell the other day and then when I could not stay awake in the middle of trying to read. The numb fingers are a red flag. 

This is the hardest part. Knowing that I can only push so far. That I can only do so much. That there are limits. I listen to others around me who have stayed up late and pulled all-nighters. My body is in bed by 9pm or I cannot function the next day.

Having PTSD and all of my other mental health issues is a separate problem from the fibromyalgia that plays with the way that my body works. Meds only go so far. Sometimes, rest is what is needed.

I Did Not Think Things Would be this Different

I knew that my classes this semester would be harder than last semester. I knew that there would be assignments and papers. What I did not count on was that I would have to figure out how I learned and could pass a class all over again.

I almost think of it as before ECT and after ECT. Before ECT, I could memorize what I read. I understood the ideas and could apply them. If I was asked how ideas went together it was no big deal! Before ECT, I could hear something and remember it for at least long enough to jot it down as a note.

After ECT, I am having trouble even understanding what I read. I outline every chapter and study it, just to forget it like I did not do anything. After ECT I cannot seem to put ideas together or analyze them. 

This is impacting my learning. I need to be able to figure out how I can apply what I read. Maybe a highlighter, maybe the questions at the end of the chapter. I am still trying to figure it all out.

I feel like ECT stole part of me. There is no physical or occupational therapy for this. I am going one step at a time by myself. 

The only assistance that I have at all is my anti-anxiety meds that I can take before class to try and calm myself down. 

What a journey and it is only week three!!

The Smallest Things

This morning, I backed into a parking space for the second time. I have never been very good at backing into spaces or backing up in general. Yet, for two mornings in a row I have done it. It is so much easier to get out.

I have never been so happy to see a B in my life as I was yesterday on my quiz. I usually strive for an A. In fact I have graduated with honors. Since ECT, my memory has not been the same. It seems like I cannot remember things as well as I used to or recall them. I neeed to learn to work around this new way of remembering things.

Today, I will telll my story to a class of new students who think they want to go into social work. I am excited to be able to maybe take the stigma down a little.

Then there is my ex. All I can say is that now he is trying to turn the kids against me. Apparently, the entire custody battle last year was a misunderstanding. He tells them that I do not want to support them and that I am causing them to lose things. All I can hope is that when they grow up they ask questions and see how things really were. For right now, I refuse to sink to that level.

I see the doctor today. I am maintaining my weight. It is a struggle. I do not want to have to go to eating disorder treatment. So I will continue to push through and do what I need too. 

I have also started to use my PRN. It does help with all of the anxiety. I just hate being dependent on medication. 

What’s Best?? **May Trigger**

A struggle. That seems like that is what life has been everyday. A struggle between the fine line of going into the hospital and staying out. The fine line of struggling with self-harm some days, well let’s be honest, most days.

My eating disorder is fighting to take over. My body just does not want food. I have chest pains and stomach aches. The numbers on the scale are supposed to be going up, yet they keep going down.

Then there is the issue of child support. I knew that court would be stressful. My ex has just added to it by telling the kids that I am taking him to court and that I do not want to pay him. I have been asked why am I putting dad through all of this. He continues to text me, wanting peoples’s names and other information.

Then there is school. Each day I have class is a struggle to get here and to go. I wonder if I am doing the right thing. If I should just relent and go inpatient or at least to a day program. Parts of me are fighting each other over what answer is the right one.

I am not sure what path I am going to wind up on. Right now I feel scared of what I could do to myself if one more thing happens. I am going to call my doctor this morning and I need to face whatever is coming.

Wish me luck!!

My Planned Day and My Actual Day

My planned day would have me doing school work most of the day and starting some of the dances for the little girls that I am going to start teaching. The house would be quiet. Normal day.

The actual day is much different. I have an appointment this morning. By the time I get back, it will be time for lunch and then this afternoon we have a delivery. There goes the quiet day. 

My calendar is overflowing. I have my first quiz on Monday. I guess that is a good thing, I will get to see what the teacher expects.

Adding a PRN before class has made a huge difference. I am not as jittery and can actually get through the lectures. The days are up and down. That is a whole lot better than being all down.

So, I will make today work and hopefully get my goals accomplished😊

Also, just wanted to add a huge thank you to those that follow my blog. It means a lot to know that people are reading it and may be able to relate to something that is on it.

In Over My Head

When I signed up for classes I had no clue how taxing they would be on me. Physically I am tired and because of the increase in stress my fibromyalgia symptoms have also increased.

Then there is trying to dance which is something that relaxes me. I love dancing and I do not want to have to give it up.

Add to that my IBS and the fact that I am struggling with my eating disorder. 

Somehow, I have woken up everyday and have gone to school. I have made it to class on time and have turned assignments in on time. Even though I was exhausted, I went to dance.

I am back to one day at a time. I no longer count on a break in the calendar. It seems like the calendar just gets full. Hopefully, I can get my intake under control and somehow overcome my nerves.

My kids are being typical teenagers. My middle child talks to me every night. My oldest barely talks to me once a month and the youngest is a coin toss. I love them, yet at the same time they live an hour away and their lives are there. I worry about them everyday and wonder how they are doing in school. It is a challenge not to be there for homework and phone calls to friends. This was definitely not how I pictured parenting the kids in their teens. 

I just hope that they know that I love them and will always be there for them. Sometimes I wonder if they even think about any of that.