Constant panic attacks wash over me in waves. My chest starts to hurt and my hands shake. I cannot even begin to process what is going on around me.

This is week four and my body is screaming at me to stop this. To just give up. I want to push and keep pushing. There is the fact that my mind seems to be like a whiteboard that gets erased after each class. I am scared most of the day that something is going to happen. My OCD gets me to school early enough where I can get the same spot.

That is not including the homework and studying. Last night I had a meltdown when I submitted the wrong file for an asssignment on the computer. I freaked out and all I wanted to do was get away.

As I am sitting here this morning, I do not want to be here with all of the people and the noise. I want to be in the quiet of the house. I want to focus on therapy. I do not even want to go to dance at this point. I just want some time alone.

I am doing this on the outside. On the inside I feel like a thousand piece puzzle just falling apart. I need quiet and some time that I do not have. My long term goal is there, yet can I even reach the small goals in between? 

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One thought on ““You are Doing This” : but at what expense.

  1. I don’t know how you do it. You’re brave, even if it’s out of necessity or compulsion. I have a panic/social phobia disorder, and some people just don’t understand how when you’re going through it, you just get completely removed from the world. For me, besides the heart racing and pounding, it feels like that moment after you’ve just been nailed in the head and your visions blurred and you’re about to lose your footing. Except with a panic attack, it feels like you’re getting hit with each breath.

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