Hard to See Where I am Going

I had my first dance class last night. I love  dance and I really want to do it, yet I am wiped out this morning. In two weeks, I will also have a full night tonight.

I am still trying to get into a rhythm of how to work out my homework. I do not want to turn anything in late, yet I am overwhelmed by the fact that everything that is due is posted. What happened to the old paper syllabus and going to an actual class with a live person teaching. Everything is once removed.

I still have to experience what a weekend will be like with the kids. I have so much to do and it seems like there are not enough hours in the day to complete everything. I may have to drop dance. Even teaching is up in the air. I just may not have enough energy or mental stamina to do it all.

At least tomorrow is an early day and I will be home in the evening.

Week Two

Week one of trying to go back to school was a bit of a mess. My PTSD symptoms were high and I was not feeling well all week. My doctor is still keeping an eye on my intake. Being on hyper alert all of the time does not make things easy. My body works against me.

Once again, I am sitting in a lounge feeling jittery and on alert. I am scared of going to classes and facing all of the people. I am scared that I will not be successful.

There never seems to be enough time for everything that I need to do in the day, although that is probably everyone. Today, I have to break down and go to the disability office. Because of short-term memory problems and dissociation, I miss what is going on in class. I have to be able to record class. 

Today, also starts dance. As much as I want to do it, I am not sure my body is going to have the strength to go that far. Class might just be to much.

For right now it is about taking a little at a time and going to class this morning without having a full blown panic attack.

Anxiety Take Over

Seems like my anxiety is really high right now. I had to cave and go to the disability office after a professor had a policy that would make it difficult for me to pass. I guess I will see how it goes.

My oldest son’s back to school night was last night. I thought that he would not want me to go. He eagerly emailed me his schedule. It was nice to see where he is going to school. They expect a lot out of their students. I hope he tells me if anything is getting overwhelming.

I need to take some time to ground myself today and to tell myself that not everything has to be completed at once. I have therapy this morning.60 minutes is not enough time some days.

It looks like I will be taking a PRN until I can get this anxiety under control. At least dance starts next week. One hour where I can just be with the music. I cannot wait!!

Not a Great Start

This morning my alarm did not go off. I thought that I had set it. Then, I started to panic. What would happen if I got to campus late. Would I be able to find a quiet space or even a parking spot.

When I went outside it was raining and traffic was horrible. Amp up the panic a little more. No wonder I felt stiff this morning and my knees and hips ached. 

I still got in the car somehow and drove here, even though there were parts of me that wanted to turn around. I fought the urge all the way here. 

I am on campus now and need to breath and calm down. Easier said than done.