These words make me so angry. In the state that I live in, it is not even recognized. All I could do would be to go to court for contemp of what my ex is not following in the agreement. I have not seen one of my children since July. Even though he is a teenager, he is still not at an age where he can make his own choices. My ex lets him choose.
My ex’s new spouse degrades my kids for coming to see me. She tells them that I do not pay child support, that I am not a fit parent, that I do not do anything for them. Every time they go back to my ex’s house, they get an earful. No wonder one of them has stopped visiting!
I am not a person who has the means to hire lawyers all of the time. I wish that I could. I feel for others out there like me who are either kept from their children or constantly have to hear that someone thinks they are a bad parent and degrades their parent in front of them.
My kids do not deserve to be punished for seeing me. No parent deserves to be talked about negatively to their children. Parental alienation needs to end and it needs to be a crime in every state.
School, dance,the rec council, the kids, treatment, and self care. I am overwhelmed by it all. I do not have a day to get a break. This week my foot went numb and when I went to get up, I sprained it. My fibromyalgia and anxiety are so high that I barely make it to class, yet be able to focus on anything.
On top of all of that, my kids are being taken out of the country for a week. I have been on the not eat anything and then binge cycle. Above all, I am exhausted.
This afternoon, I took a break to watch movies and relax. It felt good to not worry for once. My schoolwork will still be there tomorrow. I needed the me time or I would not be any good with schoolwork this weekend and I have a test coming up.
Part of my treatment team had been out for the past two weeks and is back next week. I understand that I need to see my therapist every week, yet I am not so sure about my psychiatrist! It just is a long day!
Hopefully, I will get some sleep tonight and get some work done tomorrow. The kids will be here tomorrow night, so I need to get some work finished before they get here!
Another morning at school. I am sitting in my car as more cars are coming in. My anxiety is high this morning. I do not feel that I can deal with all of the commotion on campus today. I really felt like staying home this morning and working on schoolwork.
Yet, here I am. I sprayed some pumpkin scent into the car. I know that when I get home I will be able to sit in front of the light box my husband bought me. It was suggested that I had seasonal affective disorder because I get so depressed in the fall. I tried the light yesterday. Today, I can sit under it for the full time.
Days just seem to be going by anymore. I am slowly gettting all of my work completed even though it is a struggle. All I see when I look out of my eyes is stress. My heart pounds and my anxiety rises. I feel trapped. Maybe I should just stay in my car for a while. Maybe that will help me to calm down. Yet, sitting in a garage scares me. What if someone comes up to my car. I really want to be at home with my cat and blanket. Able to play music and study.
Instead, I am here.
I put May trigger in capitals because this post will be graphic. Another warning before going on to read this.
I am more depressed than I have ever been. My treatment team is talking about alternative therapies. The medicine just does not seem to be working. Plans for suicide have developed and solidified in my mind. Each day I have a choice to live or die.
I do not know what death would bring. No one really knows the answer to that. I do know what life brings. Memories and pain from the past. The struggle to just get through the day and hope that I do not have a major meltdown in public. The pain of no longer having the treatment team member who seemed to be the one person who understood me. The fact that I that I see my abusers and am right back to those times as a kid that I just wish never happened. The extreme sadness everyday. Not wanting to eat because what is the point? The stress of an ex and a constant battle with custody and child support.
My therapist states that I have choices. A choice to continue with school and try to get my degree. To see two out of my three kids who want to see me. Those choices come with the pain everyday of knowing that nothing is going to get better soon. There are days that I question if I have the strength to go on. The end seems so far away and I know what I still have to work through. Reliving a nightmare over and over again. Having to go back and process what happened.
It is all overwhelming. Right now I am really struggling with why I continue to get up and go through each day. The anxiety, stress, and other symptoms that I need to deal with. It would be easier to not go through the pain. To not have to struggle to get through minute by minute. The thought that there is a way that this would be over. Choices. I know that I have them. I just hope that I make the right one.
As hard as I am trying to move forward the PTSD and the past keep pulling me back. It is like I cannot get away at all anymore. My physical symptoms have become worse. It is almost impossible to go to class with all of the anxiety.
I feel like shutting myself up in the house and locking the door. Even going to the doctor feels like it is too much. All of my energy is drained. I cannot seem to focus, as much as I may try.
Trauma is its own form of hell. Reliving anniversaries or all of sudden smelling something that brings back a horrible time or memory.
It is not a good time right now. I am hoping to be able to keep going, yet I am just not sure that it is possible.
PTSD, MDD, GAD, DID, OCD, and even an eating disorder are all invisible to those who do not know. I sit in a classroom and look “ok”. I sit in a common area and blend in.
Inside, parts are screaming that all they want to go home. Some want to study for the next exam, even though we have not taken this one. Some feel like the home work that is just put up and is due next week has to get done now. Some want to run out of here because they feel trapped in silence.
The depression gets worse at this time of year. It envelopes me even as I try to go on. Getting out of bed is hard. People say “but you did it.” Sure, and there are internal consequences for doing that simple action.
Inside, we want to work on all of the stuff that is being brought up. Having to come face to face with a demon is hard. Inside, we are screaming even though we are quietly sitting somewhere outside.
People may be more accepting of mental illness. That fact is that most, not all do not want to know. Sure, they may know what depression is or can relate to feeling sad, yet can they relate to the feeling of not being able to go on for another minute. To feel like everything is crashing down.
I feel like as a person with a mental illness, it is still not ok with most of society to show it. On my really bad days, I feel like it is a scarlet letter if someone is looking close enough. Maybe they see me take a PRN or coloring. Maybe they see that I struggle to get basic things accomplished or have the recorder turned on because it is just to much to listen to the lecture.
Either way, I am barely holding it together. Sure, nothing is outwardly that different, yet inside is a huge mess.
Of course it would happen this week! Only two of my classes even have exams that can be grade changing. Those happen to fall on Wednesday and Thursday this week.
At least I have the relief of being able to take them at the testing center instead of the classroom with all of the other students who a freaking out and trying to remember every last minute detail.
Trying to study is hard because my medications cause me to become drowsy. I know I need to go home and study, yet I just want to sleep. That is not going to pass an exam!
Therapy is not enough. I just feel empty. Like I am all alone in a room full of people kind of empty. Even worse, my closest support is out of town this week. Somehow, I have to get through and pass these tests, go to dance, teach dance, and take care of the cat.
The cat is the one animal that can calm me down. Her favorite place to lay is on my binder. It is like she is trying to tell me to take a break.
Going back to school is definitely challenging. The material and the hours are crazy. There is just this overwhelming desire to want to help. To be able to change the fate of one child. That is my goal. The reality is that I cannot save everyone, yet to help just one. At least it is one that will not have to suffer. One that will have a chance. That keeps me going!
It seems like I spend a large part of my week sitting in waiting rooms. That is not including the almost hour drive to get to the waiting room.
One waiting room has classical music playing, there is a machine where you can get coffee or tea, magazines, and mints for grounding. The other waiting room is in the middle of a hall. It has one chair and that is all.
The experiences inside of the office are night and day. One is sterile and uninviting. There are so many walls up that I feel I cannot get through. The other is welcoming and willing to talk about what is going on with life. One is willing to share a little of themselves and the other is closed off.
I miss my former psychiatrist. She was interested in my art. She would laugh and she would be empathetic. She was willing to work with a patient and see where they needed to go, then gently guide them there. I feel lost without her. She would have celebrated my accomplishments and been there through the rough times.
The waiting rooms now have me hoping for something more. Some kind of reaction. Some kind of person. Boundaries are a good thing, yet to many keep you separated to the point where there cannot even be a therapeutic relationship.
I keep hoping that something will change, yet maybe it won’t. Maybe this feeling of loneliness will persist.
I have had a hard time lately dealing with the kids becoming older and more independent. Sure, I am happy that they have friends and activities to go to during the week and on the weekend. Watching them grow into their own with their own opinions and ideas is wonderful.
The thing that sucks is that they live an hour away. I cannot just go and see them play a game or do something at school. My oldest is a full-blown teen. He has not been to my home since early this summer. I miss him and I love him, yet his life is not where I live. I know that it is just a matter of time before my youngest two do not want to talk on the phone anymore. This could be folllowed by not wanting to visit.
The only thought that keeps me going is that they will get through these year and will hopefully want to have a relationship with me. I know that I want one with them.