I put May trigger in capitals because this post will be graphic. Another warning before going on to read this.
I am more depressed than I have ever been. My treatment team is talking about alternative therapies. The medicine just does not seem to be working. Plans for suicide have developed and solidified in my mind. Each day I have a choice to live or die.
I do not know what death would bring. No one really knows the answer to that. I do know what life brings. Memories and pain from the past. The struggle to just get through the day and hope that I do not have a major meltdown in public. The pain of no longer having the treatment team member who seemed to be the one person who understood me. The fact that I that I see my abusers and am right back to those times as a kid that I just wish never happened. The extreme sadness everyday. Not wanting to eat because what is the point? The stress of an ex and a constant battle with custody and child support.
My therapist states that I have choices. A choice to continue with school and try to get my degree. To see two out of my three kids who want to see me. Those choices come with the pain everyday of knowing that nothing is going to get better soon. There are days that I question if I have the strength to go on. The end seems so far away and I know what I still have to work through. Reliving a nightmare over and over again. Having to go back and process what happened.
It is all overwhelming. Right now I am really struggling with why I continue to get up and go through each day. The anxiety, stress, and other symptoms that I need to deal with. It would be easier to not go through the pain. To not have to struggle to get through minute by minute. The thought that there is a way that this would be over. Choices. I know that I have them. I just hope that I make the right one.