At this point my brain and my body are not in sync. I would love to stay up all night and be able to study, yet I am exhausted by 8:30 and ready to go to sleep. My brain wants to dance and do the show. My body is telling me that it is exhausted. The knee pain, the exhaustion, the memory problems.
I know I have to give something up. That cannot be school right now. School means a future. I love teaching the kids dance and have made a commitment to them to have them look their best in their show.
I have to go to therapy and to the doctor. I am no where near well. In fact I am teetering on the edge of going inpatient every week it seems because of my eating disorder.
My dance class is the only thing that I can take off of my plate. I do not get out of school until after 7 pm and there is not time to decompress before getting home, quickly changing and trying to go to class. All I think about is the work that I could be doing and how I will not get home until 10 and then have issues falling asleep.
Then the next day, I struggle at school. I have to end the cycle. I love dancing. It is the one thing that I have that relieves stress and who have the people around me that I know.
Yet, I want to be a Social Worker and assist children in whatever way that I can. In order to really move on with the present, I literally have to let go of the past and the comfort of the studio. It is not an easy decision☹️️